Again!
Pillow Talk are playing another show!In London this time...See the gigs page for more details.
Long break allows James Tall Harmless to learn how to play the guitar
At the very moment Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced that there will be no general election, President Gideon Retch announced that there will be. Speaking from his home in the royal box at the Albert Hall, London, King Retch announced that his subjects will be allowed to vote for rock and only rock at Nottingham's Junktion7 venue on November 2nd 2007. "It's about time Pillow Talk gave the rock back to the people" he roared over the deafening sounds of clicking cameras.
'Talk supremo James Tall Harmless explained that he had now discovered exactly how to play the guitar and that was the reason for the snap announcement from Lord Retch. "I was a bit bored one Wednesday evening whilst on the internet and so I decided to stop posting endless messages on the CBBC forum and actually look at some guitar instruction videos." He paused to take a sip of pineapple juice and then continued. "I was stunned at how wrong I was getting it, let me tell you!"
Pillow Talk were rumoured to have played a secret show in North London in the middle of September in which blushing bride Senator Gideon Retch was physically married to nervous groom James Tall Harmless by the multi-talented Right Reverand Jonathan Heart-2-Harte. These rumours were confirmed by all new Pillow Talk member Baby Elvis, who has yet to be unveiled to the press.
Advance tickets for Pillow Talk's performance will be available soon from the venue website priced at 4 pounds each. Doors are at 9pm and support bands will be announced shortly.
Champagne flows as stars of UK gardening and rock scenes converge in York
Dave Cheeseman yesterday was enjoying a birthday drink as a newly married man, after a navigational error put Nicola in York instead of down the shops as she had intended that morning.
"I was wearing a wedding dress as usual, so I thought why not?" she chortled.
Representing the world of Gardening, green fingered Gideon Retch turned up and presented the happy couple with a delightful orb of petunias.
Bing "Bing" Bingham and a huddle of attractive men with long hair represented the world of underground musicianship, a world within which Dave Cheeseman is known as "The King".
Other persons there present to witness the marriage included all of Pillow Talk except the currently incarcerated for "Producing Indecent Works" Oliver B De Milne Van Trousers. Speaking over live satellite link up, Olly announced that he was "bruised and pleased" for the happy couple.
The marriage of Cheeseman to his Delightful Wife is the latest in a line of 'Talk matrimonial events. Christian Smooth is said to be melting ice blocks in the fjords to
take his mind off the "Incredible pressure".
Send us an email and get in cheap!
You got to get yo ass down to Hoxton, home of the "Hoxton Tw*t", at the 333 club on Old Street innit, to see the 'Talk perform a blinding set of no doubt brilliant-except-for-James's-voice-and-guitar-playing rock masterpieces!!
It's HERE .
We're on at 9.25pm sharp, and there's a club night afterwards that your entry price includes.
And this is what happens if you miss it yeah.
See you there, don't forget to email us to get on the cheap list!
James shocks gay club scene by marrying female
James Tall/Harmless has confirmed the fears of Soho's gay community by marrying a fully fledged woman at a secret ceremony in the Somerset countryside. The lanky Pillow Talk guitarist has long been an icon for freedom of expression and pert behinds, but an apparent sexual u-turn on his part was sinking in with homosexuals across the UK this morning.
Yes, men: That is an attractive lady on his arm!
"I can't believe it", Cassandra of Ipswich told PTweb, "he stood for everything I stood for when I was a man, and now he's done this". Quentin, a local club owner from Chalfont-St-Peter, one of James' favourite haunts, told us that things will be different from now on. "He used to wear the most outrageous clothes! Once he rode into the nightclub atop Strong Duncan, his favourite man-steed, wearing nothing but a cream feather boa! All the guys loved it, but those days are gone now.
Several members of the band Pillow Talk were present at the ceremony, including elusive drummer Christian Smooth, who hasn't been seen since the recent spate of murders in Suffolk, and party king Dr Roland Parker, who was keen to join Daniel Cheesboard in the hot tub with all the girls.
Parker, Cheeseboard & PT Manager Randy LeBon: Keen to impress
In other news, Pillow Talk have a gig! Yes, you can see the newly-wed James show his new found confidence live on stage at the Motherbar in Hoxton, East London on March 3rd. The venue is located on Old Street and is part of the 333 club (The nearest tube is Old Street on the Northern Line). If you would like to attend the gig then make sure you email us with your name so that you can get in cheap. It's a tenner to get in if you don;t do this, but only 6 pounds if you do. Pillow Talk will be headlining and will be on at 9.30pm. The ticket price gets you in to an apparently 'hip' club night afterwards which I'm sure most of the band will be attending since we need the alcholhol in order to survive these days. See you all there!
Congratulations!
After 9 anxious months of wondering why she was piling on the pounds, Mrs Dr Roland Parker popped out a baby and surprised everyone.
"The birth was completely pain free" she laughed. "I don't know why all these women complain so much!"
Dr Roland Parker chortled in agreement. "Next time I'm called to treat a woman in labour, I'll take all that 'please doctor, pain relief I beg you' stuff with a pinch of salt."
Everyone here on the internet wishes new born Beth and family a happy first Christmas.
In other news… Pillow Talk got a quick mention on Russell Brand's
show on BBC Radio 2 on Saturday night.
The Sun's "Shagger Of the Year Award" winner was interviewing West Ham stadium announcer
Jeremy Nicholas who also presents the Lame Duck Pub Quiz featuring the 'Talk.
Check it out for yourselves by clicking
here
to listen again to the show (the bit in question is about 1hr40mins in).
Plus…A boxful of copies of Pillow Talk's now infamous World Cup Song, "Come on England" have been discovered in a back room at the BBC. If you want a copy, we'll soon be putting them in the PT Shop for a nominal fee to cover P&P, and the band will be giving them away free at gigs next year.
UK Champion Golf Personality of the Decade
Dave Cheeseman fans have been celebrating the achievements of the multi talented underground session pro this week after our man romped home with a top golf award.
The solid gold trophy, which weighs 12.5 stone and is cast from a real lifesized man, was David's just reward for being voted the BBC Golf Personality of The Decade at an event held in London's Guildhall.
Also in attendance were the cast of Cheers, Clyde out of "Every which way but loose", that kid who does the Acrington Stanley milk advert and assorted luminaries from the Golf world, including Colin Powell and General Bernard Montgomery.
Speaking to PTWeb after his win, Cheeseman was having trouble containing himself.
"I don't even play golf, yet I have won big this decade. I am going to continue for sure and I have my sights set on a WBO title belt next month."
Pub Quiz hire PT men To Excite Locals
Pillow Talk are proud to announce that they have decided to take over the world.
In other news, the band beat off strong competition to land the gig of Pub Quiz "House Band"
on the all new English Pub Quiz podcast created by popular midget and TV presenter Jeremy Nicholas.
You can subscribe to "The Lame Duck Pub Quiz" podcast by going
here.
It's absolutely FREE, and if you're on iTunes, you'll find it on there too in the
Games & Hobbies section.
Enjoy!
Jirgens and Cheeseman to star in "Every which way but loose" Chimp Truck Movie
Dave Cheeseman was pleased as punch yesterday when Pillow Talk bosses revealed that he and Jirgens had landed leading roles in a remake of the classic road monkey truck movie, "Every which way but loose".
"I am pleased as punch to be making this movie" announced Cheeseman, laughing.
"Obviously, playing the part of the monkey to Jirgen's Clint Eastwood might be considered by some to be somewhat undignified,
but to me it reflects our friendship and working relationship pretty well."
"It's going to be a great project."
Jirgens for his part was even more enthusiastic.
"Cheeseman is going to be my chimp chump!! Right turn Cheeseman!! Cheeseman!! Bananas!" he chuckled.
"While I am taking on tough guy Eastwood's role as a fearless bare knuckle fighter, Cheeseman will be playing the part of a cheeky gorilla. I can't tell you how good this is going to be."
Studio bosses have released an early still from the film that we are pleased to be able to show you here.
As you can see, Harte-2-Heart will be playing the part of Bar Tender.
The 'Talk's gig at the Half moon is best described as a "wwroaring success"
Gonna post some pics up here soon, but Gideon smashing a guitar, 3 red velvet stools, the boy-band song and the first live performance EVAH of "Party Round And Round Brackets (Party Upside Down) sounded ALRIGHT from where we were standing.
Plus, Hartey's students were there dancing away AND some people from Luton made James feel right at home...
Here's Cheese barely containing himself during his Party Round and Round Brackets (Party Upside Down) rap! That is how to rap sitting down at keyboards.
Thanks for coming to the gig, we enjoyed playing it lots! Let's do it again some day soon...
In preparation for the big comeback show at the Halfmoon, Putney on August 19th, Pillow Talk have written a few new songs, including an "awesome" (James TH) and "nice done did what did" (Cheeseman) boy band song, which will feature stools, matching shirts and GIDEON RETCH on guitar.
So make sure you get down to the gig. Saturday August 19th. Doors are at 8pm, directions and cheaper tickets are still available from the Halfmoon website but you should be able to get them on the door for a fiver. Support comes from Andrew Balkwill and Thieff.
Wait a minute, imagine how good it's going to be. Imagine.
In other news, Pillow Talk's World Cup single has been taken off sale for being too good. It has also sold out and England did not "Come On!" as instructed, but merely went out early on penalties. We did raise a bunch of cash for Sport Relief though so at least the lads didn't go over to Deutschland for no reason. Also, listen to the More Raw show on BBC Rdaio York this Sunday at 8pm because they will be playing Pillow Talk stuff. To listen online go to the BBC North Yorkshire website and look for BBC Radio York. If you miss it they have listen again too.
James Follows In Yaris With Lights Off And "War of the Worlds" Playing As Cheeseman Walks Home Every Night
The World Cup Song "Come On England" got unveiled today in the East Midlands. Check it out!
You might notice, as someone else did, that Cheeseman has yet again taken the glory. Not content with miming to James's pre-recorded keyboard lines in Twin Zero and Sack Trick, the Hull hatter has told all his chums at the BBC that he is "the best" and that he has never heard of "this James non-entity" or his many great works.
Never mind all that though, it's not about ego! (You bastard)
The song don't sound bad at all, especially given the heroic time taken to get it out, written and recorded with complete novice singers within 2 weeks.
You can hear from the "making the song" link in the BBC article that Cheeseman and the singers had to work pretty hard to get those vocal tracks nailed...
And the rap sounds ace!
If you're in the East Midlands you can get your copy from the BBC Nottingham reception, BBC Radio Derby and BBC Leicester's shops... all proceeds to Sports relief. By all accounts they've been flying out of the door. There have been news stories all day on BBC East Midlands, people have been buying twenty copies each etc, it's all very good for charidy! You can now also buy it at the Pillow Talk online shop, where the latest album "Criminal Conviction is now available at the knock down price of just 7 pounds!!!
There's also a "Come On England" ringtone in the pipeline! Look out for how to get it - here soon.
It'll be mixed down by the time you read this hopefully
BBC Radios Notts and Derby held auditions the other day to pick singers for the BBC East Midlands world cup song, "Come on England"
According to a report on the radio the next morning, it all went very well, with Cheeseman conducting the Nottingham hopefuls to get some crowd chants for the chorus. And it sounds like the winner there, Alison has got a great mix of Nottingham and Cockney in her voice which will suit our midlands Chas and Dave singalong really well!
The track went down well with everyone too, with some top drumming from Si Hutchby and powerful bass from John "Boris" Carlin driving the song along nicely.
It is thought that Cheeseman will be doing the rap, as we couldn't find anyone else with the ability to pronounce two words at the same time.
The song will be in the shops on Tuesday 1st June.
Gig in August, new material, interview, World Cup
The Halfmoon in Putney are once again hosting PT for a gig on August 19th. Make a note in your diarod. The gig will feature a bucket load of new material GUARANTEED, you won't believe it. We'll probably open with "I'm simply the best" - "I'm simply the best, I'm better than all the rest, I'm better than anyone, anyone I've ever met" etc...
Also, top secret news about a World Cup song... let's just say Dave is working very hard to massage the snippets of rubbish that James pushed onto him into a special song that may yet become ubiquitous... watch this space.
Also, wait, ready, the beeb in Yorks want us to do an acoustic session on Bank Holiday weekend. What a terrifying prospect, going to have to polish the pipes in readiness, and practice a lot.
Furthermore also, check out "Mischievous magazine" (Is this right Dave??) for a superbly nuts interview with a few of us... it's the best, better than all the rest.
Cheers for now!
Rhythm is a Dancer
Pillow Talk publish cartoons "Highly offensive to followers of Hull"
Re-published here in full. We are not afraid of you Theodore Whitmore etc! Bring it on!
Thousands witness massacre
On a moderately cold afternoon in Bedfordshire, a young man called James quietly wept as he watched his dear friend "Luton" being mercilessly beaten by an old enemy named "Hull". Luton had known Hull for some time, and secretly ridiculed him when he wasn't looking. He'd even given him the odd beating in the past, but nothing too serious. Over the years, Hull had begun to dislike Luton and plotted to do him in, but Luton kept running away and hiding in other divisions of the football league. Eventually, a couple of years ago, Hull had Luton cornered in a run down football stadium called Boothferry Park. But after all the chasing, Hull wasn't in the right state of mind to do the job he'd longed to do all these years. Luton put in a couple of cheap shots, leaving Hull dazed, and then ran away to hide in another division again.
Hull knew he wan't going to make the same mistake again and on Satutday afternoon, he caught up with Luton and gave him the good hiding he'd been asking for all these years. Luton's fate is still unknown, but it's likely he'll try and hide in League One next year to avoid the same thing happening again. James would prefer that too, I'm sure.
But what's going on in Pillow Talk Land?
Since lofty guitarist James TH refused point blank to write a christmas message to his loyal fans over the festive period, it has been left to the news hacks on PTWeb HQ to keep everyone updated as to what's going on and to finally wish everyone a happy new year.
So what's been going on? well......
- Pillow Talk once again played a spectacularly drunken set at the Southdown Hotel in Filey, North Yorks on New Years Eve. They were joined by some members of Twin Zero and Johnny Truant to play through some "Leather & Lace" classics such as "Here I Go Again" by Whitesnake. James TH's recent project Spinal Tarp/Carp/Crap/Bifida also made a brief appearance despite the lack of the majority of the band actually being there. A top night was had by all, including James, who befriended a couple of small boys and took them to the seaside the next day.
James Tall Harmless: Or Is He?
- Cheeseboard has just started recording a second album with heavy metal band Twin Zero (who also feature Reuben Gotto and the Notorious B.I.N.G of Criminal Conviction fame). You can check up to see how it's going at the band's studio diary page here.
- Pillow Talk's first album Purely Platonic, which was recorded in 2001 has finally sold out of copies. There are no plans to re-press the album so if you didn't manage to get a copy, then please accept our apologies. If there is enough demand on emails etc, the band may consider manufacturing some more, but there are plans to make the album and artwork available for download in the near future.
- Pillow Talk are still working a few new projects. On the live scene, James Tall/Harmless is putting together a Spinal Tap tribute show which should be alot of fun. Writing of the musical "Valley Hill Technical High" is also in progress.
- And finally ...a number of you may have noticed that Hull and Luton were both featured on BBC1 last weekend, and both were beaten. Let this be known, they were getting the poxy FA Cup out of the way in preparation for the big game in february. That's right it's Hull Vs. Luton and we'll have a blow by blow account right here on Pillowtalkweb. Stay tuned.
Be one of the only I mean first people to read it!
James TH unearthed a rare find while rooting through his old bits and bobs looking for stuff to burn for fuel.
Check it out!
UK Government: Foam Dome Homes for the Elderly
Pillow Talk drummer's aged Aunt to move in to proto-home as soon as dome's foam ready
Never let it be said that this untidy website is ever behind the times when it comes to the latest breaking news! After all, one of the band works for the BBC and gets to interview football managers (With a suspicious line of questioning laced with Hull / Luton references). So it is with great pleasure that the 'Talk bring you one of the stories of the millennium!
Ever wondered what the frick you'll be doing in thirty / 40 years time? Chances are that if you are not dead from HIV Aids etc you will be shuffling around a cold lonely house bumping into things and setting the dinner on fire.
Now though, this dark vision could be avoided with the help of a new government scheme, courtesy of the Pillow Talk sticksmith, Gideon Retch.
You may have noticed in the news and in certain documentary programs from the BBC that the UK is
facing a difficult time attempting to provide for all the old folk as they start drawing their pensions. The baby boomer generation has finished popping its own sprogs out and is now on the very brink of retirement!
The government has got a two pronged approach to the problem, as heard on the BBC ad nauseam:
1. Sort some kind of flakey pension scheme out then let the next lot handle the mess
2. Euthanasia
This sort of thing is all very nice but what Britain needs is something more radical. Luckily, Gideon Retch is a radical kind of guy and has persuaded certain influential persons in parliament that there should be a third way:
3. Foam Dome Homes
In a foam home, an OAP can bounce around as much as she likes without damaging either her frail body or her foam ornaments. Foam is flame retardant as well, so accidents with gas fires will no longer be a drain on the fire brigade's resources.
Best of all, the foam domes can be fabricated for pennies at the drop of a hat, providing months of cozy warm foaming housing for the old.
How do foam domes solve the pension problem? Gideon Retch says: "They just do alright?"
Cheeseboard Finds New Continent, Launches Hair Care Product Range
Heavy Advertising Campaign in the Pipeline
Following a successful trip to the far off reaches of the globe, PTWeb can exclusively reveal that Pillow Talk second-in-command Daniel Cheeseboard has founded a brand new continent. On discovery the new continent, which lies in the section of the Pacific Ocean between the left and right hand side of the world map, has been tentatively christened "Cheeseland", the PT ivoryman discovered a number of "natives" and subsequently took it upon himself to force them grow their hair long, learn to play keyboards and support mid-table English Championship football clubs.
To coincide with this massive increase in long haired men, Cheeseboard has decided to follow the lead of fair skinned bassman Jonathan Heart-2-Harte and launch his own range of beauty products. A slick advertising campaign is planned and an exclusive screen shot has been released to PTWeb (below).
In other news, James Tall/Harmless (nee "Jirgens") has finally made himself a web banner for all you loony teenage fans to put on your tribute websites. Just copy the image below and link it to www.pillowtalkweb.co.uk/lutonarecrap.com.
Gaylord Returns to UK
'Ilarious "Battle of the banners" provokes a new news story! Judge for yourselves!
Click on the links to vote for your least favourite! I'll check the webstats soon to see whose banner is top!
Nb. Early predictions show that each banner is likely to receive between 0 and 1 votes!
Bird Flu: "Not the female equivalent of a Man-Cold"
This just in from Dr. Roland Parker at the Health Clinic:
"Many of my patients have been expressing concern at recent media reports of a forthcoming deadly bird-flu pandemic.
I'd like to take this opportunity to put out the facts about the new 'flu and perhaps reassure a few people by dispelling some myths."
"I'd like to thank Pillow Talk web for allowing me this excellent platform for my public health notice."
How can I catch the bird flu?
Normal influenza is easily spread through sexual intercourse, by sharing needles or swimming in public baths in poorer areas of town. The new bird-flu is different and there are only a few distinct ways in which it can be contracted:
- Coughing: If a sparrow or finch coughs in your mouth, gargle with egg white immediately and watch for symptoms (see below)
- Sneezing: A sneezing swan can fill a bucket with phlegm in 5 minutes. If you are caught in a swan's nasal blizzard, there's not much you can do
except drink lots of Orange juice and wait for symptoms
- Sexual Intercourse: Of course, while bird flu can not be spread through direct sexual contact, flirting can lead to the flu spores being distributed
directly into a person's sight gland. Avoid any occasion when a magpie, sparrow or blackbird may attempt a flirty come-on.
- Water Supply: It is likely in the coming days that birds drinking from the UK's reservoirs will leave the virus in the water, where it will be transferred
to all the taps in every house in the country, almost inevitably leading to almost total coverage and infection, with tens of millions of deaths.
This is not a reason to panic however. Please be vigilant and avoid drinking water for the next 18 months, until the GHO give the all clear
Symptoms:
The symptoms of bird-flu are similar to those of normal garden Influenza, only in many cases they are more severe and about five hundred times more likely to result in death.
- Swelling of the area above the thighs and below the navel
- Reddening of the area between the legs close to the body
- Total hair loss
- Development of hair in unusual places and voice dropping in pitch for boys in the 12 - 16 age bracket
- Total hair recovery
"If any of these symptoms appear, especially after visual contact with a coughing bird, please contact a proper doctor, like me, Dr. Roland Parker".
"Many thanks."
Pillow Talk: No plans or news
"Mild twitch/spasm of activity expected in a while" say forecasters
What has been happening then?
NOT F**DGEING MUCH!
Exactly what though?
- Cheeseman is at war in foreign lands fighting technically less advanced tribes and confusing them with magic fire sticks etc
- Gideon is getting paid in nachos and dips for drums despite being on a major label
- Hartey is in Austria dossing about with a Mandolin, expect his Mando ability to be sky high when he gets back
- Dr Roland Parker is busy with his band Roland Parker and the Psychedelics
- Rodney Plotter is still laughing at the phrase "Full blown AIDS", it's funny now but probably will only be mildly amusing should he ever develop the condition
- Smooth has been traveling the hills and vales of England as a mysterious non-speaking, blonde Scandinavian "Drum man", Doctors used musical experts to confirm that when put in front of a drum kit, the mute genius played "genuine music".
- James has been harassing people on the internet mostly
But what does the near future hold? Well, many of the band have teamed up with Roly Bailey from Bittersweet and Sack Trick to work on producing an exciting live act which we can't tell anyone about yet, but suffice to say it will rock you tonight (well not tonight, that was a clue you plum)
In the meantime, go to The Switched On Show to hear "Gloves" played out in a 2 hour long mental podcast. Three texan men wittering on about stuff, with virtually no music, it is actually very funny. Plus of course they loved the song and will probably play out some more PT stuff soon, maybe they'll have us on for an interview? Later!
Dave Cheeseman Conquers Australia
Natives enslaved "easily" by powerful Notts keyboard magician
If you look down your plughole very carefully this week you might be able to spot Dave Cheeseman galavanting around on the opposite side of the world with his delightful long hair turning a gorgeous golden shade thanks to the help of generous amounts of Sun-In.
But what is Dave doing over there? Taking a holiday? Apparently not. Here is the man himself talking to us exclusively through the medium of waves.
"Primarily I am in Aus to round up all the people who live here and encourage them to work for me, mining gold, devising money making schemes, building me palaces and graven images, that sort of thing."
James TH has been given the task of keeping the Keyboard Konqueror up to date with football results from Hull.
Interestingly, the attendance figures for those matches were very far apart, with Norwich seeing 20k more people than Luton! This is partly because the rip roaring hatters (3rd in the championship Dave) play in a rickety old ground with greenhouses down one side of the pitch.
Good luck Australia, and good luck to any burglars who may take this opportunity to rinse Dave's washing machine from his Derbyshire flat! (Nb. See what I did there Dave)
Pillow Talk To Offer Album Stock Mountain To Aid New Orlean Rescue Effort
"Towering Column" of Criminal Conviction CDs may allow rescuers a better view of rescuees
Dave Cheeseman blamed
The 2005 Mercury Music prize was won this week by an awkward, tall young man who likes occasionally to dress up as a woman and may or may not be a
homosexual.
Reader, you are visualizing a latvian guitarist in you mind's eye but sadly, it was not to be.
PTWeb can exclusively reveal that for the nth year running, the 'Talk were not awarded one of the industry's most coveted awards.
Coveted means "in demand" Dave. Despite releasing "Criminal Conviction" to narrow acclaim, the band said that they were disappointed and shocked
that the British Record Industry appear to not even know that they exist. Drummer Gideon Retch thinks the problem is with the keyboard player.
"The problem isn't with anyone in particular, I wouldn't single anyone out for criticism at all, ever. Dave Cheeseman is a great guy and it
is good having an underground session musician on the keys but I think on this occasion, he shafted us. I can definitely single him out for the blame
and him alone. Also Harte 2 Heart has to shoulder some responsibility as his constant injuries mean we have to make do with shoddy stand -in bass players
like the terrible Dr Roland Parker who is probably a great doctor but stick to the bloody day job know what I mean?"
The reasons for the raggeddy hair'd sticksmith's blame game appear to be all to do with image.
"That Dave, he is worried that the 'Talk won't be taken seriously if we don't play the kind of 'underground' gigs he is so fond of. Last month,
Geldof came and offered us Live 8 at Castle Gandor. That would have been a great gig, in front of a global audience of billions. But Dave was all like "
"oooh bad for my credibility among Nottingham's underground unsigned music scene" and "oooh exposure cheapens music" so we had to pass."
Taking a drag on his cigarrillo, Retch continued.
"Of course, no one is to blame here but myself. If I wasn't so busy raising merry hell with my hard as f*** rock troupe "Hydrous" I'd have more time to get the 'Talk the good gigs ie.
The Bell Inn in Hazlemere Village Duck Pond and the Pink Punter in Camden, where I have many contacts."
Perhaps the Mercury mist will never clear, but one thing is for sure: Gideon Retch explains.
"One thing is for sure, if we get overlooked for the prize next year, I'll tear Dave Cheeseman a new neck hole and I will spit in the hole of his neck. "
Pausing for a camp drag he added
"Of course, I would never touch dave in that way"
On a sleepy Saturday evening last week in High Wycombe, an unsuspecting couple were about to have their lives changed
forever. On a day that should have been a symbol of happiness and joy, a popular jazz beat combo managed to ravage their wedding day
in a way only talked about before now. Experts have examined the village hall in Lacey Green and have found traces of sound waves locked
in the light fittings and other alcoves. These miniscule pieces of audio evidence were transported to a secret police
laboratory in Kingston Upon Hull and were found to contain traces of the song "Angels" by Robbie Williams.
"We immediatley stepped up our security around the perimeter of the village hall" commented Defective Thief Injector B.Barnaby
at a press conference at the audio crime headquarters in Chalfont St. Peter, the popular suburban home of rock icon Ozzy Osbourne.
"The traces of the song have been isolated and destroyed and we are currently looking through the table plan and trying to locate
all those who attended the wedding reception". It's belived around 70 to 100 hundred guests attended the event and it is feared that
some may have left the country following the trauma of hearing the track.
Detectives have sifted through evidence and sources within the Chalfont St Peter HQ have revealed that the popluar beat combo "Pillow Talk"
may have been the source of the track. Mrs Gregory Arnold, who is a a resident of Lacey Green, told PTWeb that she saw a rather tall
Scandanavian looking gentleman "hanging around, messing about" near a local pub. When she approached the man and asked him how tall he was,
he simply shrugged his shoulders and mumbled something about "Fjords". This evidence has led Police to believe that this man
may have been Pillow Talk drummer and percussionist Mr. Christian Smooth of no fixed abode, Ipswich, who is one of the worlds tallest men and
despite having lived in the UK all his life, does not speak a single word of English.
Discarded namecards on the tables at the scene have also revelaved that a Mr James Jirgens held the position of best man
at the wedding. Music Industry insiders have revealed that this is a pseudonym used by none other than Pillow Talk
frontman James Tall/Harmless. Notes of what appears to be a very below par best man speech were also found at the scene. The
gags range from embarrasing to mediocre and most have a military flavour. Police are asking for witnesses who may have attended the
event or wandered past the village hall in Lacey Green late on Saturday afternoon to contact them on 0898 50 50 50.
Two new reviews of Criminal Conviction are up on the reviews page. Comments differ from ecstatic to
apologetic, a little like Cheeseboard following the last live show at Junktion7 in Nottingham. Thanks to everyone who came
down to the gig and thanks even more for being drunk and enjoying the changes in time signatures and free form improvisation
courtesy of 6 pints of Erdinger Belgian beer. There is also an interview with the band on the reviews page, taken from the fascinating webzine
Pony Pony Pony, conducted whilst the said beer was being consumed.
Some PTWeb News Updates....Everyone in the Pillow Talk camp is alive and well following the recent London Bombings and James has put off going
to his evening classes in Pyrotechnics for the Claustrophobic. Legendary film maker Oliver B DeMilne Van Trousers is back in the country
to stock up on Readers Wives magazines and Marmite before he jets back off to Poland. We're going to investigate the whereabouts of the infamous
short film "Gideon Retch Goes On Holiday" and perhaps try to get some of it up on the website. Rodney Plotter has continued playing
with famous people from the Urban Music scene recently backed up MC Dynamite (from the Roni Size camp) with his band Scassa
Monakee. Check out SMSQ for details.
Underaged Pillow Talk drum sensation Rod Plotter got hitched in hastily arranged black market ceremony last week in Brighton and we were there to get loads of
amazing pictures which you can't see yet!
Highlights of the show included the bit where Rod grabbed the mic off the preacher and performed a rockin' rendition of
"Praise Jehovah" with a huge and impressive Gospel choir, and also the bit where Dr Roland Parker couldn't crawl up the beach after stripping off and taking a dip
in the sea during a game of "The hardest game in the world" because the pebbles hurt his feet! Obscenity Booth said after the event that she was "F88kking loving it".
Congrats to the happy couple!
James bought them a huge terracota gnome dwarf thing, which they love so much they are considering lowering it into the River Foss,
which runs behind their lovely gaff in York.
Everyone else contributed to their chosen charities, which was supposedly "better" than handing over vast, tasteless
garden ornaments to the happy couple, particularly given that they do not have a garden.
Let's hope that we can report back on their adventures when they return
from their amazing 11 month honeymoon to Bali! That's the life eh Rod??
Ps. What's all this about the hardest game in the world? Well, you need to be sat on a
pebbly beach with at least one other person, the more the merrier. One person is designated as "Puller" and the others are "Shot Maestros". The Puller proceeds
to hurl large pebbles into the air, towards the sea. The Shot Maestros hurl their own pebbles of any size towards the Puller's pebble. If the pebbles collide, the
shot maestro records one point against his name.
Remember, we are hurling here, not "gently tossing".
As an indication of the difficulty levels involved, Christian
Smooth was first to record a point after a good 45 minutes of play. Such was the general excitement and joy at a point being scored, that the players leapt for
joy towards the sea and took a midnight dip. Getting back up the beach was tricky for all, especially Dr R Parker and his lovely wife. Imagine the exctitement when
"Best of three" was then suggested!
Go on, find a beach and give the game a go, it's so bad it's fair to middling.
The brand new album Criminal Conviction is going down well. Reviews are creeping in, with reports that we are indeed "Splendid"
and other such things, you can check them out on the reviews page. There's also an exclusive
interview with Daniel Cheeseboard and Dr Roland Parker about the album up on the BBC.co.uk site for Nottingham. Click
here to read the article and listen to the interview (real player needed). Remember you can buy the album online...it's
quick and easy and postage is free...just go to the shop page and follow the simple instructions. If you've
already got the album, let us know what you think on the message board.
The 'Talk are booked to play in Nottingham on June 25th at Junktion7. Should be amazing night as usual. Tickets are available from the venue
in advance, their website is here. Full details on the gigs page.
Finally, James has been updating the Pillow Talk Blog on our Myspace site.
There's also a sneak preview of the track "Muddin' Thuddin' Bike" from the new album up on there along with over 60 friends. Yeeeeehaw!
Pillow Talk Miss out on Mercury Music Prize
Pillow Talk "Ruin Wedding"
New Interviews and Reviews Online
Rodney Trotter Vs Obscenity Booth = Married
Criminal Conviction Proving to be a Hit
Pillow Talk Launch Criminal Conviction
The New Album!!: Click on the image to order your copy!
Pillow Talk finally launched their 3rd album on Saturday in front of a packed house at the Halfmoon Putney in London. Seven of the 'Talk lineup blasted their way through a set of classic and recent tunes and Gideon Retch even received a standing ovation for changing his outfit for the first time since Pillow Talk formed back in the year 2000. The full set list was....Gloves, Painful Love, Muddin' Thuddin' Bike, Star Wars, Dr Roland Parker Vs. The Defibrillator Part 2 (Refibril8), Dr Roland Parker Vs The Defibrillator Part 1, The Devil & The Deep Blue Sea, My Car and Dr Jirgens Personal Hygiene Studio. Reuben Gotto made a guest appearance to inject some metal into the proceedings and he even managed to join in on Dr Roland Parkers epic battle with a guitar solo.
It's been hard work getting this far but the band would like to thank everyone who has supported us since the last album release, we're planning a series of gigs in the summer to promote the album, so get in touch if you'd like to see Pillow Talk in your town. Also, expect a website 'overhaul' in time for the official release of Criminal Conviction on April 25th.
The Pillow Talk Online Shop is now taking orders for the new album, they're priced at 10 pounds and delivery is FREE! Details of all the tracks and special CDROM features are up on the Discography page. Additionally, there are now only 2 remaining Pillow Talk T-shirts bearing the Painful Love branding...so get your order in quick if you want one!!
MASSIVE
ALBUM LAUNCH PARTY
IMMINENT!! LAUNCH MASSIVE IMMINENT PARTY ALBUM!!
Don't miss the MASSIVE gig of the new millenium at the huge HALF MOON, PUTNEY!!
Pillow Talk are about to launch something MASSIVE!!
An ALBUM FFS!!?? WTFLOL!!! Correct padre, an album is about to be launched, containing some of the most awful/some songs you haven't never heard!
Swoon as James croons to you about gloves
Marvel as Hartey sings 8 part harmonies purely for the benefit of dogs and people who slow
down their CDs to look for hidden messages
Choke on poison cockles as Hasselhof does battle
on a beach against Satan
Be impressed by the high standard of musicianship displayed on the
drum tracks
Laugh at the guitar work by way of contrast
Geek yourself bonkers with
the MASSIVE multimedia CD content
Check out pics of Retch dressed as an elderly man ON THE TOILET FFS!!
Get your happy faces down to the Half Moon in Putney on April the 9th to buy your advance copy before they hit
the "shops"!
Flyers coming soon! Over and out! FFS!
Recent Headlines
Gideon Retch: "Look at my big blurry hand"
Pillow Talk's New Year By The Sea.... Exclusive!
Harte-2-Heart Injures Shoulder In Bedtime Fracas
Bling Bling Christmas
FIRE vs Pillow Talk Stuntsman
Four More Years Under a Crazed Tyrant
Dr Roland Parker Got Married
