Gideon Retch: "Look at my big blurry hand"

Shy bearded drummer's eyes hint at one thousand dark memories and powerful suppressed emotions

Gideon Retch: Photo courtesy of Hydrous.com (used without permission)

PT: So Gid how's it going then?
GR: On the whole pretty good. The band is good, I'm having fun, there's just a few niggles which I have to live with.
PT: Oh yeah?
GR: Well, the band has a spirit guide, Saloo, who is in charge of advising us on our functions.
PT: What?
GR: Yeah, the singer, he's a very spiritual person, and he has this guide who talks to him from the other side a fair bit.
PT: So what stuff does he advise about then?
GR: Well, biologically the band needs to be in sync, or we can't perform properly. A bit like the Donnas and their synchronized rag week, only we're all guys so we have to make sure that we use the bog only when each of us is ready.
PT: No sh*t
GR: Put it this way, last week, I was eating shreddies for breakfast and the bass player was on rice crispies. He's been without the urge for a while now and I have developed this coping mechanism where I stare out of windows and look moody all the time, so when it comes to me really needing to drop trowel, the grimace as I try to prevent the operation from happening is more or less accepted as "Gid being artistic"
PT: Oh right you were being artistic just now then?
GR: Yeah. Hold on (Gid stares out of the window and pounds his fist onto his leg, as though fighting back a horde of demons in his mind)
PT: If we stopped at a service station now couldn't you just "go"?
GR: Hold on, I'll just text the guy... The next window is tommorow evening.
PT: Tough deal!
Gid: Yeah. Hold on. (Stares out of window)
PT: So, when is the album coming out?
GR: Can we pull over?
PT: Why?
GR: I've just let a bit out.

And that was how the tape ended folks. Questioned later on, Gid expressed relief at finally making it big with a band and managing a big release. "It was a long time coming and we really had to push to get it out, but this one has me flushed with success. I really hope to wipe away the memory's of the book shop years and enjoy the smell of success."

Visit the Hydrous website for more information and tour dates etc!

Pillow Talk's New Year By The Sea.... Exclusive!

Plus...Household Pets...Shocking New Revelations!

The North Yorkshire Coast: Like the Bahamas only Colder

And finally, there has been a breakthrough in rodent-feline relations when it was revealed that mice and cats are now considered "friends" by small children. Since the demise of inflammatory propaganda films such as "Tom and Jerry" and "Itchy and Scratchy", the relationship between the two species has flourished. 'Talkweb news are proud to report that Cats and Mice are now at code "Amber" and can get on with their lives in peace, without the fear of conflict. One's wrist twitches at the thought of what other cr&p 'Talk news journalists can make up based on a photograph in the next bulleten. Over and out.

A Cat And A Mouse: "Best Of Friends"

Harte-2-Heart Injures Shoulder In Bedtime Fracas

'Talk bass player "sits up in bed too hard", injures shoulder, minds heard boggling everywhere

Pillow Talk would like to extend the twitching hand of health and good wishes to our poorly Bass and Vocal dreamboat, the delightful Jonathan H2H. Hearty popped his shoulder out of joint totally innocently whilst lying in bed which is absolutely normal. He popped it back in and got on with the day, but soon the nagging pain had him on the rack, exactly like teacher Mr Anthony Prior when he was agonising over his sexuality in the forthcoming PT Musical "Valley Hill Technical High".

Riddled with pain, Harte-o dragged himself off to the 'ossy and had an X-Ray. The Doctors were astounded by his incredible skin tone and extra lungs etc, but declared his shoulder "safe".

The bass croon afficionado will be hopefully back in action for next week's gig in Nottingham, but he will need lots of rest so leave the poor little fella alone, eh Hartey I mean "people".

(Well it makes sense to me! Just read it quicker and gloss over the wrong bits.)

Get Well Soon Heart-2-Harte!

Bling Bling Christmas

The 'Talk get out the gold and turn the haters to mould with the trick slick lyrics the style's ice cold feel me uhuh

UrbanDictionary.com says "This bling bling stuff has been done to death" which is a great sign that it's time for Pillow Talk to hop on the creaking bandwagon! Bling! Yeah!

The forthcoming Nottingham gig with the Sack Trick is going to a be a bling feast, featuring cold as ice fashion statements from the band.

Bling: Bling

Make sure you get to the gig on Wednesday December 15th at Junktion 7 in Nottingham to witness eyebrow grooves and jewellery, blingin' chains, vests and ice white pumps, grooving to the true music of stupidity.

Bling it on!

FIRE vs Pillow Talk Stuntsman

Harmless in Inferno Drama at Hammersmith Party (by James Tall/Harmless)

I set myself on fire at a party last night by accident. There were lots of those little candles in silver cups burning everywhere and at some point I thought "My back is warm. Does this indicate that I am having a run-in with one of the universe's most dangerous characters - EXTREME HEAT?" Little did I realise that my enthusiastic party mingling had caused me to disregard one of nature's most deadly elements - Fire.

I looked behind myself and immediately saw that the back of my shirt was on fire! Thinking quickly, I turned round again and attempted to not look awkward as I patted my own back in a futile attempt to put out the roaring inferno!! As usual, social protocol and the fear of embarrassment was preventing me from killing the most terrifying power this planet has ever known - Flames.

Soon, other people were beginning to realise that my back was illuminating the kitchen and sending out waves of awesome heat! They began saying things like "Oh god, his back's on fire. Hey, did you know your back was on fire?" and "Who is that bloke? I can't remember inviting him and why is he flaming like the man from the cover of 'Wish you were here' by Pink Floyd? Put him out. I've seen enough"

Sure enough, people began frantically patting my back, not in congratulation for managing to maintain a raging bonfire whilst still making party small talk, but in attempts to kill the flames!

Luckily for the world of art, music and literature, the fire-fighting do-gooders succeeded in their task and the deadly inferno was killed for good!

James Tall/Harmless: One Of Nature's Most Deadly Shirts

Sadly I left the party with a big inverted V shape burnt out of the back of my shirt. But more happily, I learnt a valuable lesson about how one should never underestimate the amazing, infectious, mayhem spreading power of one of history's famous villains - FIRE.

Four More Years Under a Crazed Tyrant

Fans Elect Dave Cheeseman as 'Talk Keyboard President Against Advice of Unpopular Film Producer Oliver B De Milne Van Trousers

Watching Democrat campaigners waving "Vote for Kerry" banners in the recent US election took me back to my Primary School years.

Back in the day, little Harmless and his grubby pals mounted a playground campaign to get the whole class to vote for an unlikely May Queen. We thought it would be pretty funny - no, BRILLIANT and WELL FUNNY- if we voted for the plumpest and plainest little girl to be dressed up and shown off at the forthcoming Mayday fete. I lived in the country, this stuff happened a lot.

The other girls in the class were politely working out ways of voting for their favourite friend. The boys knew that this would not do, not while there was the possibility of putting a plump and UGLY girl UGH UGH UGLY on the throne. It would be WELL FUNNY oh MAN.

The parallels with the US Presidential Campaign are uncanny. We spent a week trooping round the playground with arms over each other's shoulders in the "Join on for British Bulldog" configuration, but instead of getting people to link on for a game, we chanted "VOTE FOR KERRY VOTE FOR KERRY HA HA UGH VOTE FOR KERRY".

Notice how John Kerry is himself a quite ugly cross between Jimmy Hill and Elvis Presley. Our own Kerry Cotter was also a rank outsider. RANK! UGH! However, her principle opponent in the race for the throne was Wendy Brown, who did not pose a major threat to world security through an outrageously aggressive foreign policy. She was very quiet though an therefore something of an unknown quantity.

Our Kerry watched our campaigning with a cautious, happy confusion. Of course, like John, she wanted to be May Queen by hook or by crook.

The outcome of the election is where the parallels end. Our tireless campaigning payed off and we were WELL HAPPY to hear that she would be crowned May Queen at the fete. Of course, we were malicious little beggars and in it for cruel finger pointing and sniggering at the fat girl. But when she was actually sat up there, dressed in a big white and silver dress and a flowery headdress, beaming her wide face off as the parents took photos, I know that it didn't seem so WELL FUNNY OH MAN UGH UGLY anymore. Not that the happy outcome was intentional of course.

So you see, that is the point about the US election right there, probably.

For other news, remember to sign up to the Pillow Talk mailing list where you'll receive an infrequent update on gigs, release dates and so on.

Dr Roland Parker Got Married

Hog roast involved

The couple entered the party to the sound of the Top Gun theme tune, Parker dressed in an ice white military uniform, wearing aviator shades with the DELIGHTFUL and LOVELY Cat on his arm. Pillow Talk drumsman Rod Plotter was the groomsman for the day, which is posh for "other best man". He gave a speech which was pretty good actually. (a#!*licker -ed)

Anyway, Dr Roland Parker got married! Congratulations!

The best bit was when Heart-2-Harte turned up and all the girls started crying and fighting to get the seat nearest to him. The other best bit was the Hog Roast, which we can all still feel lining our stomachs a week later. The booze was free and all! But where was Gideon Retch? We had a vast wall of beer waiting for the shrub-faced skinsman but he couldn't make it on the night!

Daniel Cheeseboard: Starts the long road to the bottom

- Criminal Conviction will soon be released as an EP, as oppose to the intended album, featuring Dr. Roland Parker vs The Defibrillator part 2, Dr. Allbran, Gloves, and others. Numerous guest artists have already recorded tunes and we're just polishing off the last few bits before we can think about releasing it. More news to follow!
- Exciting, yet secret thing part 1!
- Other exciting secret thing!
- Exciting secret thing part 2!

See how exciting it all is?

In other news, Pillow Talk have just confirmed that they will be playing a one off show at Junktion7 in Nottingham on December 15th in support of Sack Trick on their "Sheep in Kiss Makeup" tour. Cheeseboard will be again appearing with Sack Trick for the tour and the full schedule is on the their webpage along with details of the new album. Also on the bill, is the amazing Tarpot, who are well worth investigation for all fans of the Beastie Boys and military uniform.

And finally, James Tall/Harmless has been writing articles again, the latest has been posted up on the homepage of Sack Trick bass player Chris Dale. Find it here. And also Zonkotron's column has been updated with a guest article from a friend of the drunken robot dog, Mr Anthony P Holmefast, check it out here.

Heart previews facial hair in attempt to out-beard Bernard, succeeds

The Half Moon in Putters wobbled to the sound of the 'Twalk once again last Friday, on a balmy, perfect summer evening in South London.

Thanks to the weather, many people including a lot of first time PT listeners had turned up to witness the shambolic under-rehearsed but buoyant band, playing as a four piece with Harte on bass and Plotter on drums. "He's very very loud" noted Hartey, frequently. It's not a f****** old people's home House Band mate, have a seat in Vine-o's 205 for ten minutes when he's in a "relaxed" mood and re-calibrate your ear drums! (Only joking H2H**)

Sensitive hearing aside, Hartey sported proper facial hair for the first time at a gig, proving that he can and will grow a beard if he wants to.

Pillow Talk beard-ability now stands as follows:

Retch - Top of the tree, huge red beard Harte - Big musical beard now well on the way, ladies making positive noises Beard - Called "Beard" for good reason Ned - Tidy little beard, proven growing ability Dr R Parker - Looks like the bouncer in Phoenix nights, face wise Smooth - Fair haired, invisible beard, doesn't speak english Cheeseman - Technically female, not much beard Jirgens - Rough itchy velcro stubble is as far as it gets, unproven beard-ability Others - I'd remember them better if they had beards, low score.

The music itself sounded good out front apparently, much better for Mavis the Sound Engineer not being in attendance. The mandolin in "Devil / Deep blue sea" sounded good, and in the hands of H2H it cracked a fine musical gag too. Other new or "refined" songs went ok - "Gloves" was miles better for having a structure but "Muddin Thuddin Bike" was less good due to the singer / guitarist making a pigs ear of singing and guitaring (and initially writing) it.

We used Roooben Grotty's incredible Hi-tech Recording Suite to capture the night's brown notes, and after a quick Cheeseman Super-Edit, it sounds great, if a little bit silent and non existant. Never mind, it's an incentive to rehearse soon and get out there so we can try to record again! Next time take your boxing gloves off when touching the "pretty buttons with lights on" Cheese.

Carrie at the Half Moon was her grinning and pleasant self yet again, no miserable embittered staff at this venue, I like it. The other bands on the night were "The Liar's Club" who played as a two piece piano and drum combo and whacked out their songs with gusto. I'd like to catch them live when their bass player remembers to turn up.

Also playing were "Bailey", who started off with 2 great songs and were very pretty and polished. Their set went all soap-opera later on though, when the lead piano singer chap stopped a song to berate the drummer. If you tried doing that in Pillow Talk, you'd be congratulated and thanked for adding to the spectacle, so on reflection, the bit where he had a go at the drummer, that was brilliant.

Immediate plans now are: Write story and continue writing songs for "Valley Hill Techical High - The Musical" Rehearse the band Rehearse the band

Thanks to everyone who turned up - hope you enjoyed it and see you again soon!

**Pillow Talk Drummers in order of loudness and likely-to-piss-Hartey-off-ness:

1)Ned - Pardon
2)Dr Roland P - He's loud mate
3)Gid - The loudness we've come to love
4)Smooth - The correct loudness
5)Cheese - Not that loud

Valley Hill Technical High - New Semester Begins

Kyle Ladeyjo Wants to Take Marie Clement to the Cotillion, But Bruce Beyer Has Other Ideas

Valley Hill Technical High, the College where the highs and lows of romance and relationships mix with the buzz and grind of the lathe and plane, saw a new intake of students into the dramatic senior year last week.

Tempers ran high on the football field during practise as new boy Kyle Ladeyjo touched down a winning score and celebrated by running up to the cheerleader squad as they rehearsed for the big game. Kyle targetted Marie Clement for a winning smile and her beau, linebacker Bruce Beyer, was furious when she returned his interest with a shy grin, as she and Kyle locked eyes for what seemed like an eternity.

Later on after a tense lockerroom stand off, Kyle revealed to his new friend, Woodwork teacher Miss Nancy Barone, that he intended to take Marie to the forthcoming Cotillion, despite Bruce's threats! Miss Barone's bosom heaved as she bit her lip, fingered her blouse, looked over the top of her glasses and advised Kyle to follow his desires. As he left the room, Kyle turned round to catch Miss Barone still staring, mouth ajar, at his departing form. He suspects there may be some desires floating around in the Woodwork Workshop too!

Over the whir of the grinder, Marie Clement revealed to her closest ally, Jennifer Quin-Livet, that she had been having some doubts about her boyfriend Bruce. Bruce had been taking her for granted recently, she revealed, adding in a whisper that he seems only to be truly interested in her when they are being intimate. Jennifer nodded and said that, even if she was interested in boys, she would definitely think twice about going out with a "Roid Rager" like Bruce.

Later on, while Marie was being shown how to bend sheet aluminum in a compound radius, Kyle entered the room and announced to the tutor that he had "A message - Could Marie Clement please come to the Principal's Office?" Marie stepped outside the room with Kyle, where he revealed that the message was all made up! He asked her for her number so they could discuss Math outside of school and Marie obliged. The two spent what seemed like an eternity staring into each others eyes, before Kyle suddenly plucked up his courage and invited Marie to the Cotillion. Marie was about to reply when Kyle noticed Bruce walking around the corner towards them and he spun on his heel and made for the exit, clutching the telephone number on a piece of paper in his hand.

In a side drama, class wimp Terry Dilldred has been forming a bond with the electronics tutor, Mr Anthony Prior. Over a self oscillating band pass filter, Terry revealed that his greatest fear was the other students finding out that he was gay. Mr Prior felt himself go dizzy as he let the forbidden knowledge sink in. For weeks now, his relationship with Maths-Coach Miss Anne Carsson-Phillips had been on the rocks and he had suspected that a new love that dare not speak it's name could be replacing the stale affection between him and Anne. But could he ever tell Terry how he suspected he felt?

As darkness fell over Valley Hill, from his treetop den on the edge of the school grounds near his parents house Kyle started to feel ill. He had always been fit and well and a true sportsman, but since starting at Valley Hill Tech College he had began picking up little diseases. He guessed it must be because he was coming into contact with all these new people all the time. His thoughts turned to the Catilllion and to Marie. How terrible it would be if he was seriously ill at the dance! He picked up his cell phone and dialled Marie's number, clutching his churning stomach and nervously awaiting the ring tone...

What next for Kyle and the gang at Valley Hill Technical High?
How will Kyle deal with living with disease? What will happen with all that other stuff what I've been writing about?
WTF?

Latvia's Euro 2004

Heart-felt football reporting from our resident Latvian big-nose

You wanna read about Latvia in Euro 2004? Their emergence as a new football superpower? Yeah?
You wanna read stuff about cheating Dutchmen and sick Germans? Yeah??

Gorge yourself here

PillowTalkWeb HQ Struck By A Bolt Of Lightning

Cheeseboard to the Rescue etc

Early on friday morning, PillowTalkWeb HQ was struck with 10000000 Volts of proper electricity...Not the made up stuff that comes out of plugs in peoples houses, but the good old power station in the sky. Rumours were quickly circulating about Dr Roland Parker's involvement in the fiasco but he has a firm alibi at a local primary school. Luckily, Daniel Cheeseboard took the second or third flight back from his rock holiday with Sack Trick in Guernsey to save the day.

More developments when we get them. Don't forget, this hasn't killed any member of the band (apart from perhaps Gideon Retch, who has't been seen for months), so this doesn't effect Pillow Talk's next live performance at the Half Moon in London on July 16th. Over and out.

Plotter's Charity Bash Exposed to New 'Talk Tunes

Plus Reuben Gotto again, most arrogant stage entrance by a band ever, etc etc

With "The Boys Are Back In Town" blazing out of the PA, Cheese, Retch, Harmless, Heart et al leapt onto the stage, waving and running, going straight to the front and leaning over the barrier to slap hands and kiss cheeks, all the while repeatedly mouthing "Yes!!", "Thanks!!" and "Yes!!" and pointing and blowing kisses. You don't see that sort of thing often enough in my unbiased opinion.

The gig went off like a rock bomb. The band debuted "Muddin' Thuddin' Bicycle" and "The Devil and the Deep Blue Sea" ("I'M THE DEVIL!! COME OUT OF YOURRRRRR BRINY HOVEL!!!"), which are examples of musical stupidity unsurpassed in the history of anything. Dave's dad told Harmless that he "looked like the boy next door on stage." and that he should "Get a wig" and also "Get a mask." Fair point noted sir! Next to the rock icon known as Roooooben Gotto though, few people look anything other than harmless, which is appropriate and clever really. I'm clever. Tick.

Reuben Gotto on Stage in Derwent College: The popular face of ROCK
Pic courtesy of Ib

Reuben learned "The Devil..." in Dave's car before the gig, and played the whole thing flawlessly, which proves lots of things. Plotter did his bongo thing for "Dr Roland Parker Vs The Defibrillator Pt 1", as did the good Doctor himself, wearing a surgical mask which kind of looked like a Klan hood, but that'd not be funny so it didn't.

If anything it may have been "too rock" for some. Wait til you hear new song "Living With Disease Isn't Easy" though, that will calm things down a bit in future gigs (next gig is at the Half Moon in Putney on 16th July in case you're interested).

As my retarded pupils once wrote of their charity trip to Alton Towers, "A good time was had by all".

Big up boom respec' should also be felt towards Plotter's side project jungle drumming band, the Sashalac Monkey Scene or whatever they were called (Cheese, help me out here) who were winners of the grand "Ultimate Champions" trophy on the night. Our good friends Randy LeBon (manager, Pillow Talk) and Yvgeni Vetchkov (Live in lover of Gideon amongst others) appeared to be doing the judging on the night, so well done to them for picking the wrong band. Well done. It was the first time Cheeseman has come anywhere except first in his entire life, so congratulations men, you broke the little guy's heart. Rooooben was so annoyed he nearly started a fire, while the rest of the band wept bitterly in the one toilet cubicle they all agreed on.

One of Hartey's other bands also played, Dromedary, who pulled off the amazing trick of actually sounding as good if not better than everyone remembered, having not played together for in excess of four years. Incredible, but as Plotter said to me, "You can't practice talent", which is rubbish, ignore that.

In other news, James Tall/Harmless has not been called up into the England Euro 2004 squad for this summers high profile football tournament. Fans of the lanky Latvian centre back are said to be astounded at the news, one, a particularly sloth-like young man called Simone Green commented, "He's my hero, I can only assume it's because he's East European and none of them racialists in the back room at Lancaster Gate would have him in". When asked for comment, the writer of this article refused to accept that this section of the text was merely an excuse to include a picture of what appears to be James Tall/Harmless in England colours. "This bit's better than the rubbish you lot get day in, day out on this website" he/she added. One can only assume it's definitely not Cheeseman who's written this.

James Tall/Harmless: Or is it?