Pillow Talk Tear It Down / Up for York TV

Rodney Plotter gets all embarrassed and goes on about jungle drumming, which means "bongos" folks, nothing more

Recently, the 'Talk got down with BIG UP YORK TV in York of all places to record a show called "Unsigned UK". This show apparently features a series of bands doing their thing and being interviewed afterwards. How the hell did we get involved? Well, Mr Jonny Greatwood of Purely Platonic and Painful Love engineering fame now works for fledgling production company York TV, and must have been overheard muttering in his sleep "Pillow Talk... they'll do" or something.

On the day, PT had to mime to the two Dr Roland Parker tracks and in doing so give a good spectacle. Dr Roland P himself was there, whirling James TH around during the guitar solo / hugging section, Cheeseman breathed air into a balloon which turns out to be helium, folks, when James later breathes it in for the high bit known as "just a man, in a woman's world..." and Plotter and Retch thrashed about wildly behind a vast percussion rig and a very cheap and unconvincing drum kit, respectively.

During rehearsal, James tested a monitor wedge with his guitar solo stance, remarking to Cheese that it "maybe rocks too much". There was a good reaction from the audience of watching bands, especially when the director shouted "Cue the crowd, lots of cheering please". For future gigs the 'Talk will be employing Oliver B De Milne Van Trousers to sit in a canvas chair and honk similar commands into a megaphone between songs, perhaps.

After the two songs had been recorded, the 'Talk gave a brief interview. A huge plan had been carefully crafted wherein one of the band says "We don't need instruments to make music, listen (clicks fingers) 1, 2, 3, 4" then each member starts crooning something totally at random, like "Oooh baby, when I get your potatos I like to eat them lovely baby" accompanied simultaneously by "Under the stool there's a bucket oh baby full o' lovin sweet honey".

This was totally wrecked by corpsing from Tall Harmless of course, but next time folks, it'll be amazing.

Rodney Plotter was great blah blah blah ( - That bit justifies the sub headline does it? - Ed)

Other bands on the day included Rumpus, Catch 23 (don't ask), Eclectic and Cauznfx, who featured the fantastic "DJ Hellfire", oh man. It was a laugh, you know.

Keep your eyes peeled for eventual broadcasts on worldwide TV networks!

Gideon Retch Wins Nobel Prize For Education

Drummer awards self beefy rosette after incredible theory proved in front of classroom of shocked children

London - Fabulous long haired homo icon rock drum number one-er Gideon Retch had a brighter than usual glint in his eye as he strolled into class 9B's English lesson last Wednesday. Snapping his braces against his naked chest he exclaimed to the shocked children "If my new theory is correct, you can tear up your textbooks!!" Pausing to rub chalk on his face, the big coiffed fabuloso added "Don't do it yet, have to think of a way of proving the theory first."

At this point, Mr Worthington, the English teacher presiding over the remarkable interrupted lesson, threw his tuppence into the ring. "Everyone, stay where you are. I have called the Police and this man will be taken away shortly."

"You buffoon!" Bellowed Retch. "Stifle their creativity and block the prooving of my theory why don't you! Children! Prepare to tear!"

"Proving is spelt with one 'o'." Replied Mr Worthington. "And a better phrase would be 'Prevent my theory from being proved'".

"Tear the text books up!" Yelled Retch defiantly, before adding "Where am I this time?" and checking a bottle of pills he had been clutching in his hand. At this point, several text books were indeed ripped apart by the children.

Surveying the scene, Retch smiled and remarked "My theory is thus proved! Time to award the prixe - and avoid the fuzz!" Retch then raised his arms and looked around at the class, inviting them all to join him in a huge "Prize Giving Ceremony", which Mr Worthington immediately described as "an insane fantasy".

In other non-nonsensical news, Pillow Talk will be making a TV appearance. Filming for the show, "Unsigned UK", produced by York TV, will be at Ikon and Diva nightclub in York (click for directions) on Wednesday April 28th. Doors for the studio audience are at 8.30pm and it'll be 5 pounds entrance. The bar will be open thankfully.

Gideon Retch Lands Dream Job!

Drummer stays out of bookshop long enough to be picked up for a big time drumming gig

Giddlescion Retch was investigating the insides of his trousers in the back room of York's "Books for Boys" bookshop when his non existant mobile phone rang. "Who the f*** is it?" asked the weary drummer.

"It's me, Yfgenni Kafelnikov, the famous tennis player. I exciting news for you have!"

"I remember you, both from television and also from living with you and playing drums with you in bands such as Beyond Redemption. What's up?!" Retch exclaimed, lengthily.

"Well my pasty faced drum friend, I have Manager found and demo tape sent for new band in London, is town in South you never f***in been such a place, is amazing."

"Wow, and they're gonna send a van for me and they've sorted me a flat to live in and a new drum kit and some rehearsal time?"

"You bet you f***in' ass they have done this!"

"When do we start?"

And so began the most exciting thing to happy to a Pillow Talk member since
a) Dave Cheeseman joined Sack Trick
b) The whole of Sack Trick rang James to complain bitterly about Dave

Congrats Gid! I'd love to post details, such as who the band are who've hired Retch and Yvgeni, in fact that might be a later article, but ain't it funny, one minute you're in a bookshop and can't make a gig because you've got the trots, the next you're sipping champagne from a groupy's navel onboard your second learjet.

More on this as it happens!

Reuben Gotto + the 'Talk = Fun

"Did you hear him during that?"

"It's Friday night babe, at the Parrdy I'm your slave" we might have sang had we rehearsed Party Rnd+rnd, but as it was something special was thought to be required to liven up last Friday's gig at the Half Moon in Putno. As lady luck would have it, all our wildest dreams were answered when a cheerful Reuben Gotto wandered in just before our soundcheck!

"Hey Reuben, aren't you supposed to be in Norway rehearsing Sokratorbia death metal stadium tour / Alanis Morrissette?"
"No"

One guitar string and a bit of song learning later ("It goes a bit like this: Durr du du du du Durrr du du du dur DAH DAAAA") and the fantastic SACK TRICK guitarist was all set for livening up the 'Talk set by throwing some amazing angles whilst playing guitar!

Roo joined us for "Muffin Man", usually a pretty sludgy riff festival-slap-tank for showing off Harte-2-Heart's lovely high warbling voice. This time the Sack Trick guitarist provided some wailing lead breaks, which hardly anyone could hear because Mavis the Sound Engineer didn't turn the right knob. Never mind, we'd be able to hear him double up in "Dr Rolly P Vs the DFB" where he'd play guitar solos and fill the song to make it charge like an elephant!

Again, Mavis intervened, but people assured me afterwards as I was wiping huge tears from my puffy face that the guitar heroics could be distinctly heard in places!

It was certainly a good volume on stage and in the words of David Cheeseman, "I loved it so much with Roo on stage that I let a little bit of wee get out partly on account of all the fizzy lilt I'd drank before we went on"
Thanks Dave!

And thanks to Reuben and his fans and friends too. We all had a marvellous time!

Reuben Gotto Didn't look like this on Friday

Mavis the Sound Engineer Come on Mavis, turn it up love!

James TH has a Man-Cold

Toll the Church Bells, close the pubs

News spread fast from Winchester yesterday carrying the tragic and devastating news that James Tall Harmless is suffering from a terrible Man-Cold. The robust guitarist was reported to be preparing himself for semi hibernation and several months off work after detecting the first symptoms of the most appalling disease known to man.

In the medical dictionary, Man-Cold is described as "An illness not unlike the common cold except in the aspect of accompanying discomfort, which is magnified several million times. The symptoms of Man-Cold manifest discomfort which may exceed the pain of childbirth. Only affects very brave, clever men..."

James TH has been putting on a brave face despite his obvious pain. "I am not going to let this get me. I've a lot I want to achieve before I give in and kick the bucket. For instance I'd like to kiss a girl. I'm tucking myself in for the long haul. Cancel all gigs."

Despite requesting sensibly that he be allowed bed rest until next September, James will be required to play at Fridays gig by merciless slavedriver and soft drink fanatic Dave Cheeseman. Said Cheeseman from his Oak Panelled office: "I once drank so much lilt that I had to go to the toilet and it came out of both bits. I'm not going to let James miss a gig just because he's virtually in the grave." Pausing to bite on a cigar, he added: "When will this news article get funny then? Tommorrow?"

James is happy to receive the best wishes and trinkets of any well wishers, but urges speed because he "may soon die of this awful illness". Let's hope he doesn't, right?

Some Recording Has Been Done

And Other Crazy News

Well, it's been pretty hectic but Pillow Talk have finished recording at Premier Studios in Corby. Big thanks go to Iain Wetherell down there for his engineering and production, it sounds top. But, you'll all have to wait for the release date as there is yet more material to record. Plans are afoot, however, to include both parts of Dr Roland Parker Vs. The Defibrillator on a record label compilation...more news as we get it. There are some new photos up of the recording on the pictures page....and some other new pics too!

In other news....look out for Pillow Talk's legendary dance hall classic Party Round And Round Brackets (Party Upside Down) when it appears as the backing music to the Goals On Monday feature on BBC East Midlands Today this Monday (20th October 2003) at 6.30pm on BBC1 (East Midlands region only...but channel 950 if you have SKY). This is the second airing for Pillow Talk on BBC TV after long term fan Crazy Legs appeared on the quiz show Judgemental wearing only a Pillow Talk t-shirt and a broad smile. Thank god it wasn't the Weakest Link.

And finally, Pillow Talk have a new celebrity fan. Check out these pictures of Victoria Beckham on the way into the clinic for an appointment with her new skin care consultant Jonathan Heart-2-Harte. Click on the pics to enlarge/gawp in disbelief.

                             
Posh Spice: Absolutely Minted              And Again: Allegedly

It is expected that Dr Heart-2-Harte will undergo extensive sessions with the former Karaoke star. More news as we get it.

Rodney Trotter Is Now Off Menu You Men

Young Skin Whacker Makes History with Baby Betrothal

In an alarming move designed to shock his parents into buying him another high performance sportscar/drum kit, Babyish basher Rodney Trotter, 22, has requested that his elderly spinster friend Obscenity Booth be his financier (sp) and agree unto therefore the hand of his in lawful matrimony. That's right folks, Trotter Vs. Booth = Engagement.

Congratulations! to both the lovely Obscenity and the equally saucy Rodney!

You heard it here first folks and mark my words PTWeb will be bringing you all the latest on the celebrity match-up as it happens.

Rumour has it that Hull's famous "Hull-o" magazine will be publishing a centre page spread to celebrate the pairing. Who frickin knows!?

Corby's Gifted and Talented Meet York's Bearded and Statemented

Dr. Allbran Recordings enhanced by appearence of literally thousands of young people, ie. Children

Corby Community College's luck was in when they chanced upon the 'Talk during a visit for Gifted and Talented young people to Iain Weatherall's local Studios.

Gideon "Bev" Retch had been taking his medication and so Dave certified him "suitable for liasing with the young" and luckily the band had earlier dropped the idea of recording a mould breaking Hip Hop swearathon.

As it turned out, the 'Talk were pleased to be able to run out a shortened version of "Star Wars" during a break from recording the same guitar solo over and over and over again and the young audience of people significantly more talented than the band were kindly appreciative. One young person, spotting the nervous shuffling of the band advised "Imagine you are playing at Wembley", which is sound advice for sufferers of constipation perhaps but not neccesarily a good idea in a performance context.

A guitarist managed to engage the band in a medley of essential guitar slinger classics, even knocking out a couple of bars of "Sweet Child o' mine", which pleased Gideon "Bev" Retch greatly, the Bearded Stick Jockey being a huge fan of abbreviated prepositions. Gideon even noted later that he wouldn't mind being a teacher acutally, if all that was involved was playing the drums and occassionally talking to groups of very polite children. As we all know, that is more or less what teaching is about, which makes all that bitter whining we hear from our teacher pals all the more inexplicable. Recall the frequent shout of Retch himself: "You should try working in a Bookshop! Relentless back breaking nightmare!"

Several photos of the event were taken and we'll have them up here as soon as possible.

Pillow Talk And Pope Come To Some Sort Of "Agreement"

Religious Differences Settled *EXCLUSIVE*

Speaking from a golf course on the outskirts of Rome, the Pope told 'TalkWeb, "I'm nearly 100 years old and I'm still a 6 handicap", pausing to knock in a 16 footer with a slight cross wind, he added, "stop making up news stories about me in the middle of the night!".

In other news, Pillow Talk's merchandsing division have developed a new watch which is bound to be popular with the fans. The Zonkotron watch features everyone's favourite robot dog on the face, and it even shows you the time aswell. Don't try and order one though, becuase they don't exist.

Zonotron Watch: Bloody Rubbish

Pillow Talk Stroke Sack Trick

Done a laugh, of Sack Trick gig did it

The 'Talk played both halves of the thrilling pseudo soap opera "Dr Roland Parker vs. The Defibrillator" in honour of the absent Doctor Bass and a load of other stuff, innit. We did some Mozart don't you know.

The Sack were fantastic as ever! Proper good.

If anyone wants a CD or a demo or any of that stuff, check out the merchandise link on the left!

edited 5/7/2003

It's Dave Cheeseman Month

100ft tall gold statues unveiled in Wollaton

"Mainly merry month my men!" He shouted. "Fine friends, ferocious festivities for few! Ie. indeed!".
A member of the press then asked the leader what he would be doing this birthday month.
Turning to his damp and unhappy secretary and lifting one eyebrow he announced that he would be "Burning bridges!"
Running out of aliterative ideas, he then continued. "Every day this month I will be allowing a different member of my glorious and not at all oppressive but still brutal regime to present to me a larger statue of myself, faashioned from pure gold. To begin this stunning scheme, I have had one made already, as the smallest Russian Doll if you like.

Indeed, the Presidential Plum pointed to where the local school used to be, now replaced by an impressive out of scale model of the man, complete with astonishing 19 metre trouser extension. "I like it very much. Build me some more."

There is some debate as to when the President's birthday actually is (or was). This debate is mainly in the head of the news editor, who will be rushing out to a Zimbabwean gold mine this lunchtime to cobble together a 200 footer.

Perhaps the last word should go to beleagured subjects, Unusuala Eiderdown and Sacha Five-Foot-Four.
"Last year it was "No one to use the toilet month" so this time round gold statues doesn't seem too bad does it Insular?"
"No it doesn't Sacha aren't we very much like that Russian duo Tatu in that we sing and we are girls and the other thing?"
"We certainly are!!"
"Ha ha ha ha!"
"Ha ha ha!"

Shut up about Gideon Retch for Goodness Sake

Zonkotron returns with patient advice on HOW TO WRITE A SONG!

You're bound to like it!

Oliver B DeMilne Van Trousers Hard At Work

Gideon Retch Drum Tuition Video To Hit Shelves In The Autumn

Pillow Talk voice-over man and full-time film maker Oliver B DeMilne Van Trousers has revealed his latest plans for adding to the Pillow Talk video collection. The long-awaited tuition video, which has the working title, "Drummimg Made Impossible", will feature hints and tips on how to be getting on with other things at the same time as drumming. These include; drinking a pint of bitter; smoking a cigar; washing up; holding a dinner party; and making love. The 2 hour film has a planned release date of October 2003 and follows the recent spate of films to emerge from Van Trousers film studio on Hull docks, which include the gay cinema classic "Missionary Impossible", and the entertaining, yet moving documentary "Jobless: A Day In The Life of a Children's Entertainer on the Sex Offenders Register".

Speaking over the telephone from his yacht in the Bahamas, O.B.D.M.V.T told PTWeb of his delight at the prospect of making an educational film with one of the world's finest sticksmen. "I can't wait [i.e for the film].....there'll be nuddy birds and car chases every 5 minutes".

Questions had been raised over the choice of cast for some of the minor roles in the film but O.B.D.M.V.T played them down, "I think Toadfish from Neighbours will make an excellent roady", he commented, "..and Richard 'Crazy Legs' Driscoll has proved his worth on the big screen time and time again....just look at that film what he done been in once...you know that one where Sly Stallone's in goal and then ends up falling down the plug hole in the showers after the game". We here on the newsdesk are, frankly, relishing the prospect.

Crazy Legs and Toadfish: Best of Friends

"I Have Married My Nurse" - Gideon Retch

"I have done this in a similar way to what Stephen Hawking done to his Nurse, ie. Married her."

Finally some happy news to report from the world of Pillow Talk! The 'Talk's wacky bearded skinsman Gideon P. Retch has at last come good on his promise that one day he would marry his long suffering Nurse, Nurse Coline Pearl. Coline is better known as the maker of drab budget drum kits and as the made-up nurse whose name most closely resembles that of an American Secretary of State.
However, lately the lazy nurse has had her hands full making sure her new husband remains tightly crammed into his wheelchair, except for when he needs to use the toilet, when all hell breaks loose and she generally uses a purpose built "Tip and Go" wide acceptance area lavatory in which Retch makes vain half hearted efforts to hit the spot and not soil himself.

"She cleans me up good anyways" explained the relaxed drummer.

If you didn't make the wedding, be assured that it all went very smoothly indeed, with the Reverend Dave Cheeseman providing great laughs with random beatings and a promise that "Many of you will be shot".
Pillow Talk were unable to play because of height restrictions.

Perhaps the final word should go to the groom.
"I am very unhappy with the way this article panned out because I thought the headline was quite promising. Instead it's totally, dismally s8888t."

How true Gideon, how true!

Dave Cheeseman May Be Using A Body Double - Commander Retch

Dictator appears on live street, Retch has doubts over real identity, also doubts over identity of self, existential crisis, deep thought experiment, Britney Spears naked

Since the golf began, news has been trickling in from our reporter who is out there shadowing the famous philosopher and war captain, Commander Gideon Retch. Over recent weeks it has been apparent that despite continuing attacks on his regime of terror, Dave Cheeseman appears to be in control of what is left of his party. Only yesterday he appeared at breakfast to reveal, in the words of Commander Retch, "Everything. He revealed everything".

However, the military men have doubts over whether they were seeing the real Dave Cheeseman.

"I can't believe that what we saw was the man himself. He looked far bigger in the flesh than I ever imagined in my wildest fantasies" Explained Retch.

Retch himself has been struggling to come to terms with the concept of reality and the stresses of war. In his thoughtful struggle he has turned to smoking french cigars and putting his feet up on poofs. "I have recently been struggling with the following concept: Reality" Barked the Commandant. "I have got my head screwed on right, there's no doubt about that. Despite the stresses of this appalling campaign, I have retained fully my grip on reality, concept or no concept." Breathing deeply and stroking he added: "I've totally lost it you know."

Gideon Retch will not be appearing with Pillow Talk on 30th April in London as he is drumming for Al Jazeera Television for a month or so, during the weather reports.

Gideon Retch Leads Attacks Against Dave Cheeseman International Airport

"What I have done is that I have secured the Airport" - Commander Retch

Note: Gideon Retch is American these days

The fog of war hangs heavy over the Pillow Talk news desk like a fog of weather hanging over some other huge outdoor desk and it is at times like these that the truth can be the first victim, along with all the dead people, who, despite what less reliable sources than ourselves say, are literally the first victims of war.
I.e. etc etc.
Lucky for a few imaginary people, PT Web News has its own reporters covering all the action in the golf and here we present a staggeringly flippant statement from our man, talking with Commander Gideon Retch of the USA 6th Armoured Antique's Roadshow Dresser Unit.

"Well Sir dammit we've secured the Dave Cheeseman Airport and now all we've got to do is finish off the British which could take some doing cos those boys are tooled up and believe me, many of them pump". The words of US Commander Retch, talking loudly so that I could hear him while I walked slowly away. "There's no finer sight than the massed ranks of the US Marines. Unless you happen to be a member of the British Army. Our boys have stormed a stronghold, ie. the airport, and we intend to go on until we have toppled the ruthless dictator Dave Cheeseman and freed his people Ben Bridges, Insular Eiderdown, Mustak Ali and Sacha Lamour from his awful tyranny"

Various sources disagree over the actual status of Dave Cheeseman. Many people believe he is not dead. "Whether president Cheeseman is alive or not is no concern of mine. He is alive and works for the BBC. Do you mind if I stop? This is confusing and incoherent"

Perhaps at this juncture it would be worth mentioning that Pillow Talk are all the way behind their pal Mikey Batsman who despite being referred to by a false name really is a real person and is currently cooking eggs on the bonnet of his tank in the gulf. We wish him a safe return! Note: Tanks don't have bonnets I'm guessing

Crazy Legs Completes Epic Journey Around The World, Finds Shop

Shop Finding is "Highlight of the Tour"

Pillow Talk fan and self-confessed Arsenal Football Club supporter Richard 'Crazy Legs' Driscoll or 'Crazy'/'Legs'/'Crazy Legs' to his friends has just completed his fact finding 25 year trip around the globe and arrived safely back in blighty. It had been reported that Crazy Legs was on a quest to find items which bear the inscription 'Pillow Talk', but PTWeb later discovered that the young football hooligan was actually on a rather long holiday instead. However, undaunted by his need for enjoyment and relaxation, C.R decided to relentlessly pursue his given task anyway, and the results were confirmed in the photograph below, which was taken in front of the Pillow Talk Signed Photograph Emporium (James Tall Harmless Division) in Baghdad, Iraq.

Crazy Legs: Likes Football

Speaking yesterday from his small, north London cockney-terraced house, Legs couldn't wait to break some good news to PTWeb. "I've done it!" he screamed as if ranting from the Highbury stands, "In your face, Tottenham!". Pausing for a quick swig of Carling Black Label lager, Legs added "I don't touch scarfers". More on this when our editor returns to his office.

Gideon Retch: I want to buy the White House

Wacky Skin Lynch-pin seeks property, large, white, must contain President of United States

Possibly inspired by crazy paedo squeaker Michael Jackson's recently announced intention that he would like to buy Buckin'ham Palace, for the purpose of "Stuffin' it full of boys an' microphones and recordin' equipment an' royalty" (Quote courtesy of Reuters) Retch has decided that the only res in his des (?) is the seat of the American Pope, George F Moses.

The drummer is also apparently keen to be the keeper of the Red Button That Can End The World For Instance As The Result Of A Clumsy AccidentTM.
"I'd like to be responsible for the awsome destructive power of a million atomic warheads, yes." Laughed Gideon, adding "Goodness knows what could happen if I went mental and started hitting everything the colour of anger, ie. Red, like I did last night after Ollie bought me that cocktail! And the night before when Phil didn't appear on Eastenders. I could blow the whole freakin world to pieces!"

As if to add a final, sober word, Gideon added soberly "Finally, though, the whitehouse is not for sale. Though everything has it's price and I am willing to barter. The only thing I won't sell is my ass! I will sell my ass."

Pillow Talk Featured On BBC

"I love the BBC actually. It's a love hate thing" states stumpy drum god Gideon Retch

Anyone who was listening to the girl from Iron Maiden last Sunday night on Radio 6 will have heard the very talented/lustily attractive Chris Dale from Sack Trick playing Dr R.P as one of his choice tracks. Haven't heard the recording yet but apparently they talked about it and stuff, by which I mean they talked about it.

Glad that episode ended happily!

Pillow Talk Not Featured On BBC

"I don't care anyway, I personally hate the BBC" states anonymous drummer Gideon Retch

To all those person who tuned in their Digital Radio to listen to Brucy Bonus's racy music show on Sunday night, only to be confronted by a Chris from Sacktrick-less evening's listening, a hearty "Ah well, probably some mix up" from Pillow Talk towers.
This is the latest incident in a long line of snubs from the Beeb, as detailed in full detail below. Detail.

June 1998 - The BBC refuse Point Blank to give money to a proposed program about the time when Gideon Retch worked for Childline

August 1998 - The BBC refuse One Hundred Per Cent to allocate resources to the filming of "An Audience with Elton John Except Where Pillow Talk Are There Instead of Elton John"

January 1999 - The BBC refuse Wholeheartedly to allow the production of a one-off Radio show called "Fact from Fiction: 1999"featuring Gideon Retch discussing what it's really like to party now it's 1999

May 1999 - The BBC refuse Without Room For Any Negotiation to allow Pillow Talk's manager, Richmond Baxter to chair a discussion show featuring people with similar names called "The Richmond Baxter, Richard Blackwood, Richie Blackmore and Biddy Baxter Talk Attack"

December 1999 - The BBC Angrily refuse to let Dr Roland Parker "bust in" on University Challenge and announce that he is "Bustin'"

January 2002 - The BBC Cleverly do stuff

That's quite enough - Of that for now.

Anyway, you get the picture, dominant colour: Beige.

Pillow Talk Featured On BBC

UPDATES....Bruce Dickinson's BBC Radio 6 Music Show Improves Dramatically

Only kidding, it's top anyway.....but, on Sunday 19th January between 9pm and 12am, listen out for the interview with Sack Trick's Chris Dale, who will be a guest on the show and we have reason to believe one of his favourite tracks is Dr Roland Parker vs The Defibrillator. We here at PTWeb believe this because he told us. We're not even going to bother making up some convoluted b@$%!cks reason behind it because its getting late.

In additional news, Pillow Talk are winding up to yet another appearance at the Half Moon in Putney, London this Friday night (24th January). Bring your elderly relatives because this one promises to show the sensitive side of Pillow Talk and Rodney Plotter is also making his debut 'Talk appearence in the capital.

James Tall/Harmless has recently been spotted at the Job Centre, which may or may not mean that he has yet again been given the boot for being far too close to the mark with people in positions of authority.

That's it for now, apologies to all the regulars for the lack of updates. Expect more to come soon, and don't forget to sign up to the MAILING LIST for your monthly fix.

Ask Not "Why Have I Done?" But "What Why Did I Done What There?"

Drummer Gideon Retch talks philosophy with PT's news maestro, baffling, leg

Gideon Retch likes to get straight to the point. "I'm standing on the edge of something big" he informs. "Literally."

Of course, Retch is in fact sat down, smoking a galloise and wearing a beret. "Ok, not literally, but in many ways, yes I am. Standing on the edge of something big." Leaning forward and raising an eyebrow, he whispers "No I'm not."

Conflict is at the heart of Gideon Retch's drumming. "Conflict is at the heart of my drumming, there's no doubt about that. It's more than just keeping time you know, any old tramp could do that... Take George Best for example. Lying on his death bed, new liver flying around, what's he doing? Bang Bang Banga Bang, he's f***ing got the old sticks out hasn't he!? BANG BANG GEORGE."

Is agression a driving force in Retch's drumming? The bearded rythm king leans forwards again, as though about to smell a flower.
"No no, it's like everything else, isn't it? If you've got it, flaunt it. If you haven't got it, go somewhere where they might have it. If they haven't got it, have they got anything like it? Yes? Well buy some similar things and suchlike."

The drummer clearly wanted to go to the toilet at this point, so to close with a conclusion Mr Retch?
"Well, my guiding philosophy is to not ask "Why have I done" but merely "What why did I done what there?", in which case if the answer is "did" then you're doing ok. If it's "Would", then you have to ask again, really. I do."

Next week - Jonathon Heart-2-Harte talks about his new club what he has started, "Fight Club", where Hartey smacks seven bells out of himself and other people while his imaginary alter ego "Dave Cheeseman" goes around selling soap and crying in front of girls.

Rubbish. I'm this close to owing you an apology, reader.

Things people type into search engines to get to Pillow Talk's Web Site

Remember what happened when we put up that story about Britney Spears, and Gideon Retch mentioned that when he was having a shower this morning he was naked, live, nude, then he went out to work and thought about having his photo taken for free?**

Pillow Talk's rabid webmaster, Dereld Speck, has been hard at work in the previous weeks, transporting all of PT's badly designed pages to the pillowtalkweb.co.uk domain. Don't underestimate how angry this has made Dereld, a man who teaches "fighting and dogs" at his local primary school when he's not fiddling with flaky html.

Anyway, part of the new hosting package turns out to be a daily report on our meagre webstats. Despite being Europe's finest band in any genre, Pillow Talk have a small following mainly consisting of themselves and their two friends each. Hence, the site only gets about 1000 successful smacks or whatever you call it per day. The majority of these are down to bored members of the band sitting in offices and repeatedly reading the article they wrote five minutes ago in a desperate attempt to get sacked, but some come from far and wide, from people searching the internet for something completely different and ending up reading a load of crap about Gideon Retch agreeing that Steve Cheeseboard should "reveal everything".

Here is a short collection of the words people have typed into search engines recently and which have brought them to our extremely humble pages. (Nb. All these are true)

Last Friday brought us mostly dullness, but "Ben Bridges Guitarist" popped up in there to lighten our day.
Saturday saw some wonderful web perverts chasing "Craig David Naked" for all they were worth, and being no doubt extremely frustrated, then someone went for "bargain hunt TV theme", which registered an article about Dr R. Parker and his dismal performance on Dickenson's camp antique classic.
Sunday's log was outstanding, containing the heart warming "Photos schoolboy gridiron". Dereld Speck was tempted to "turn the internet off" after reading that one.
Finally, as if you've not fallen asleep already, Monday bought us "James Jirgens" (Thanks mum) and the beautiful "buy swanny whistle".
Welcome to our misguided search engine readers. Thanks for searching.

This article was quite boring even to write.

**Last time we did this sort of stunt the whole of Macaroni communications was barred from reading _any_ goecities site cos the domain was blocked by the company web misuse software. Web misuse at work! Imagine.

Gideon Retch: The ten rules by which I live my life

Rules, by which I live my life, ie. There's ten.

Hi guys, it's me Gideon Retch here, giving a rare self written article of what was written by me, to you the public. You can tell its what written by me because it reads like it was done what by a jeffing foreigned with no grasp of english, my sweet mother tongue along with Welsh, what is actually my favourite tongue of all, next to irish, which tops the lot, after gallic, which is the clear runaway runner up.

Anyway, without the confusion spread to further, I'll began with the commands, commandments by which my life is loved. My thing is that everyone needs to have rules, but rarely are they so clearly defined as what I am saying are mine. Back me up on this guys! Here are my rule.

Don't hang about - Ie, don't mess around when there's things to be done. "Urgent" is my watchword here!

Don't mess about - Ie, don't hang around doing nothing but when it done is the time for action! "Urgency!"

Stop hanging around messing about - Ie, Don't stand around doing nothing with your hands in pockets. Today is another tommorrow. "Urgent Action" here.

Piss about - Ie, self explanatory. "Swaying around".

Don't knock yourself around - Ie, if you do it, others are going starting that too.

Remember thy root - Ie, I'm proudly of my nationalistic heritage. "Welsh" is my watchword, along with "Gallic" and "Jamaican" and "A Brother" too. Pride.

Blast them out of your arse - Ie, I've got no idea.

I am not a monkey - Ie, Obvious

Thy face is thy ultimate sacrifice - Ie, no greated life have one men for them than to lay off his man's face for a few minutes. "Give him a rest".

Remember thy commandment! - The above ones ie.

So there it is guys a finally down in print list of thine commandest powerful, deep, interest. Live like me, live my commanded!
Over and out,
Gideon Retch.

New Look PillowTalkWeb Goes On-Line!

Not much has changed, has it?

After owning a domain name for the best part of two years, PTWeb thought it was about time that something was actually put on it other than a picture of our old friend Zonkotron. So, PTWeb has now moved from the old Geocities site and is all situated right here on pillowtalkweb.co.uk. Hence, no more adverts for 'Recipe of the Day' under that picture of Gideon Retch, and (unfortunately), so pictures of Jennifer Lopez popping up while your trying to see what cr#p Zonkotron is spurting out of his filthy sewer mouth this month.

In addition to the move, some of the graphical load has been lightened to make the site faster for those of you with no broadband, and tonnes of new pictures have been added to the all new pictures page. Additionally, we now have a Discography page so that you can have a more detailed look at the Pillow Talk releases. Remeber, there are new gig dates for 2003 so check them out to see if the 'Talk are coming to a venue near you.

That's all for now, remember, if you haven't signed up for it yet, make sure you get onto the Pillow Talk Mailing List, so that you get your monthly newsletter.

Tall/Harmless in Meatloaf Comparison Scare

Radio 1 says it how it is

As part of BBC Radio 1 OneLive in Nottingham, Daniel Cheeseboard decided to take a Pillow Talk demo CD down to the OneLive Cafe in Nottingham to get a bit of one on one action/feedback. Despite the presence of Lamacq and co, the OneMusic staff were provided to give feedback to all the budding Datsunettes who had struggled their way through the crowds to get a place in the feedback room.

Demo in hand, Cheeseboard stepped into the hotseat and gave the musical masterpeice (ha) over to the Radio 1 representative (a Kerrang! journalist and OneMusic reviewer no less). Here are some snippeted comments from the resulting feedback....

reviewer listening to 'Painful Love' with straight-faced expression
R1: That beginning bit sounds like Meatloaf. In fact, the singing is a bit like Meatloaf too.
DC: (in cloud bubble overhead) -- ! --
R1: That doesn't sound like Frank Zappa very much.
DC: If you just heard Zappa do "Bobby Brown Goes Down" then it wouldn't give the full representation of the music would it?. Try listening to 'Dr Roland Parker vs. The Defibrillator'
R1:(the serious face has stayed on.....it must be hard rock) That middle bit sounds like Meatloaf too.
DC: sighs
R1: I like that one though.
DC: Woof.

So there you have it. One thing that neither Cheeseboard or the R1 bod could work out however, was what genre Pillow Talk fit into and hence should target. So, PTWeb are asking YOU regulars to let us know. Just go to the Message Board to tell us what genre you think The 'Talk are part of.

Alan The Retarded Roadie...

Willeee or woanee?

The question on everybodys lips is "Willee or woanee?" Alan the Retarded Roadie is keeping tight lipped about whether he will or will not be "oh jus' runnin' all the behind the scenes stuff" in Putney on Friday. He is currently making a "revolutionary set made from 'specially recycled materiel" in his "specially adapted workshop". When asked to expand further he looked dolefully over his interviewer's shoulder before muttering coldly "it'll be finished when it's finished."

That Newsletter...

It's not strictly news, is it?

James Tall Harmless is keen to clear up a question of authorship regarding the Pillow Talk newsletter, which you can subscribe to by clicking here.
The newsletter is produced by our proudly literate newsletter editor, Daniel "newsletter" Cheeseboard, who has a stash of material available to him from the PT archives, generally stuff written by James T/H while he was wasting his life picking resistors out of buckets at a faltering multinational communications company.

The idea that T/H not only writes a newsletter but also puts in phrases like "a brief peek into what a certain Latvian guitar player gets up to whilst working as a slot jockey or whatever it is he does" before quoting himself describes a level of self appreciation even Saddam Hussain would struggle to match.

Funnily enough, the idea that anyone actually cares about this sort of thing negates the purpose of this article in the first place.

New Stuff What We Have Potentially Got Coming Soon

Some Songs We Done - in the pipeline

This article is technically a list:
Drive Time - H2H's disco tribute to daytime banality and drivetime DJs.
Refibril8 - Cheesey's slowed down Doctor Saga, possibly featuring samba section. Hopefully. Needs lyrics!
Jus' cos I'm a gangsta don' mean I ain't got feelin's - Basically a groove at the moment, inside My Car, but likely to be extended
We are all Gonna Die - A typical James effort, acoustic 12 string with 4 bars of head shattering blast beat in the middle
The Burglar - Exists vaguely in a few different forms with half finished lyrics. Currently sounds like a Bedside Manor song but likely to change...
Glove - Terminally stupid lyrics sit on a slow soul ballad backing, originally a demo to show off our new mic preamp, now likely to be in the set.
Steve - A turd, with a badly pastiched Heroic Trio bass line and lyrics which only the author is ever likely to approve of.

Fill the gaps Mr Cheeseboard if you think I've left something out!

New Zonko Editorial! Yessssss.

Lord Of the Ring 2 - Reviewed and Rated

You wait a year for one then two come along blah blah etc.
A taster quote:

"It's not all fun and gags though, the film swings into dark areas which had me gripping the edge of my seat with both hands on my head. Christopher Reeve's portrayal of Harpo the Dark Lord was extraordinary. I think it was Christopher Reeve, I tend to get him mixed up with the bloke who played the burglar in "Uncle Buck", though I may be thinking of "Home Alone 2". The way the fella called Hobo a "Beady eyed little bastard" was brilliant, terrifying."

Enjoy Here!

Message to Women

These T-Shirts are made for women!

Available in midnight blue (arf), red and red with white piping, in small/medium and medium/large sizes. Take a look at this form if you want one, or pick one up at a gig.

CHEAP, QUALITY CLOTHING FROM THE BAND WHO LIKE TO CLOTHE. Ie. Pillow Talk.

"I'm not a girl, much less a woman"

Steve Cheeseman is a man's man

Following his first couple of eventful weeks living with a new name, Steve Cheeseman found himself discussing the important things in life with Gideon Retch, in a no nonsense pub which doesn't serve food but has a big screen for watching the football.
Eavesdroppers overheard the entirely straightforward keyboard player describe the ins and outs of being a down to earth kind of guy, while Retch imparted his own brand of flexible wisdom. Sitting down with a pint of John Smiths Extra Smooth No Nonsense Bitter, Steve announced that he was "Ready to let people see that he was a man, in a very literal sense", to which Gideon Retch added "Let them see everything. Every last detail."
Warming to his theme, Steve then set out a challenge. "There won't be anyone out there who is more definitely a man than me. I'll prove this, mark my words."
Gideon Retch stood up and winked, saying "I can't disagree".

The meeting ended when Gideon Retch suddenly announced that he "couldn't sit around chewing the fat all day" because he had "a guy back home who was really game" who was "an old fella" who "was fun" but who he "hated a lot" and "would like to get some considerable distance away from". He then sat back down and declared the meeting "open".

Yours sincerely,

James Jirgens.
(Don't ask, cos I don't know)

Gideon Retch: "I am goth"

...EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW...

After spending long weeks in a Whitby bedsit in order to undergo something of a "Transformation", Gideon Retch spent a few minutes with PTWeb to talk about what he has become. The previously cheerful drummer swept into the room with his hair back-combed, wearing a T-Shirt reading "Where were you when we sacked Rome?" and spent the duration of our conversation slowly wobbling his head while smoking a Black Cat. He also occassionally took a puff on a cigarette.

PTW: Gideon, what have you been up to recently?

Retch: I am goth.

PTW: Ok.

Retch: (Arches eyebrow)

PTW: You've been in Whitby haven't you?

Retch: I have written some poetry which I think will touch your soul. It is directly from the small but resolute flames which reside soley in my own dark, cold human soul. I will read to you.

PTW: Fire away.

Retch: It's called "Where Am I?"

PTW: Let's hear it.

Retch: Ok. "I am here, where am I?
You are here, where am I?
I am here, where is it?
Where is what, who are you?
Why are you, why am I?
I am goth, why aren't you?
You are goth, good on you.
I am goth, you are too."

PTW: Hmm.

Retch: I have another one. It is called "Who is that?". Do you want to hear it?

PTW: No.

New Zonkotron Editorial Now Up

Why not read it?

Several reasons why not, ie. You probably won't understand it, thicko, it's not that funny, you probably disagree with it, it's written by a robot dog.

Still wanna read it?
CLICK HERE!

10 Things I Like About My Name - "Steve"

By Steve Cheeseboard

Hi guys, it's me Cheese here, talking to all of you quite seriously about something that I have decided to do, namely change my name to "Steve".
Why have I changed my name to Steve? Well, let me tell you, I've plenty of good reasons! Ha ha! Here are ten of the best. Reasons.
1) The name Steve speaks of a man who lives straight down the line. No pretensions, no messing about, just good honest being Steve.
2) I like the way I look but I'm not vain, I'm Steve.
3) Steve is a man who looks after women.
4) Steve cares, but not too much. Steve is not some fanny.
5) Steve does not accept "I can't". Steve can.
6) Who you gonna call? Steve.
7) Steve cares about clothes but is not led by fashion.
8) Steve works hard, plays hard and is keenly anticipating the release of "Black Horse Down" on DVD.
9) Steve won't take no for an answer. Steve takes "Yes" for an answer.
10) Steve.

So there you go I think that just about covers it. Be sure to give Steve a shout in future! Steve.

Dr Roland Parker Lands Daytime TV Slot

Tuesday 10am on BBC1

Yes, you heard it here first on PillowTalkWeb. Pillow Talk's loveable, superhero bass player and part-time percussionist, Dr Roland Parker, has landed a slot on BBC daytime TV's flagship show Bargain Hunt. The show will be broadcast at 10am this Tuesday (September 17th) so set your video recorders.

The Doctor couldn't hide his delight when we spoke to him on his night shift at Mansfield A&E. "I cannot hide my delight" he told us, "Clear!". When asked about the rumoured rematch between himself and the now infamous Defibrillator, Mansfield NHS's most famous employee declined to comment, fuelling rumours that this particular "good vs. evil" sequal could turn out to favour the evil machine. More on this particular episode to follow soon.

Pillow Talk Finally Open Mailing List

All you TalkWeb regulars now have a chance to get news updates straight to your inboxes. Simply click here or on the link on the contents bar to access the list. You will then be able to receiev gig updates, news, and non-publishable stories written by Zonkotron. PTWeb strongly recommends that all band members join too so that they know when to turn up for gigs etc (no names mentioned GIDEON).

South Park Bus Queue Lengthens

With super-stardom looming for the likes of Rodney Plotter and James Tall/Harmless, TalkWeb can reveal the a recent episode of the hit American TV show South Park featured a scene with all 8 members of the easy listening beat combo Pillow Talk.

The band follow in the footsteps of legends such as Barbara Streisand and Ozzy Osbourne in the episode which will never be broadcast. "I love the band" commented South Parker creator Trey Parker when speaking about mental rockers 'Primus', in a recent interview, "that's why I got them on the show".

The South Park Bus Queue (L-R): Jonathan Heart-2-Harte, Dr Roland Parker, Gideon Retch, Daniel Cheeseboard, James Tall/Harmless, Rodney Plotter, Christian Smooth, Bernard Beard

Commenting on the appearance, Jonathan Heart-2-Harte told TalkWeb "More high profile appearances will undoubtably follow as our grasp on world domination tightens. Personally, I intend to make it big on childrens TV. I like children".

James Tall Harmless is Best

Pillow Talk stunt man James TH today revealed findings from his comprehensive research project, designed to answer the question "Who is best?". The work was carried out over several months in 2002 and has taken the multitalented musical philosopher/winner to the four corners of the globe in a patchy-beard stroking voyage of discovery.
Speaking from a pavement cafe in Bratislava, the people's favourite explained some of his methods.
"What I did, I took myself off round here and there with pictures of people in my back pocket. I allowed the pictures to become remarkably grubby over the course of my travels, loaning them out to vagabonds and such like. Then, I showed the photos to foreigners and asked them loudly in english "Who is best?". I'd point in turn to myself and to the grubby photos, sometimes grabbing the foreigner by the face.
Crucially, I'd use my impressive knowledge of all sorts to judge by their reactions who they thought was best. Invariably, they thought I was best."

Asked who appeared in the photos, Harmless revealed: "Dirty folk mostly".
Gideon Retch has added his own support to the project. "I support this project in all ways but one." He said, adding "I don't support it".

Asked whether the inclusion of Gideon Retch in this article was a desperate and unsuccesful attempt to inject some degree of funniness into a piece of text which started with a mildly amusing headline but bombed soon after, James Tall Harmless announced "Yes".

Pan European Border Controls on "Red Alert"

Pillow Talk European Tour scout "trys the ground out"

Europe has been declared as "good ground" for forthcoming Pillow Talk tour by a leading tour scout.
"This keyboard's all different" announced James Tall Harmless "and my money's running out."

More euro news soon no doubt.

Pillow Talk: Actual Real Life News Update

It's Been A Long Time Coming

So, what is going on in the world of Pillow Talk? Well, this question is not often answered here in the news pages as the overworked and underpaid PTWeb news monkeys often resort to writing about things which real people frankly don't care about. Hence, this.

After a busy Spring and early Summer of gigs, which saw the 'Talk play to thousands at Woodstock, to nobody in Hull, to a dancing bear in Parliament Square in York and the guy who plays bass for Bruce Dickinson in London, the band are about to take a break from the live scene to write some new songs and go on holiday. The last gig before this break will be at the Malton Motor Show 2002 in Malton Town Centre (see gigs page for directions) on Sunday July 21st. The undoubted bonus for this one is that Greengrass from popular Sunday tea-time "good-cop-gone-bad" show Heartbeat will be there as the obligatory 'D-list celebrity with scissors'.

Before that though, on Sunday July 14th, James Tall/Harmless and Bernard Beard (who form 2/8ths of the 'Talk and 2/5ths of the spin-off band 'Bedside Manor') shall be taking to the stage at the Greenbank Music Village in Luton to wow the crowds with their acoustic talents. And following that treat, James Tall/Harmless will take off around the European Union to buff up his tan, practice his new song 'Job Less', and act on his new motto...."Spend, Spend, SPEND!!"

Bernard Beard, currently living the good life in the South of England, is continuing to keep his musical eye in with covers band "Liason" while Jonathan Heart-2-Harte does the same with another covers band for whom he plays Lead Guitar (yes, you heard it right.....doesn't he annoy you with his multiple talents? not if you're a young lady I expect...ahem). Christian Smooth is currently in relocation from London to somewhere else north of there (probably back to the Fjords) and Dr Roland Parker, quite literally, starts work as a real doctor at Mansfield A&E (well... nearly) in the coming months. Daniel Cheeseboard has left 'The UK's Favourite Party Band' Inside Out to concentrate on driving south more often than he drives north, and Rodney Plotter is keeping busy with both Heroic Trio and Western Sci-Fi.

The next Midlands gig will be on Friday October 25th at Junktion7 in Nottingham with Heroic Trio and the excellent Sevenball. Also, a planned return to the Half Moon in Putney, London will take place in the autumn, so keep your eyes on the gigs page.

Again!

Following weeks of speculation and rumours, Pillow Talk have finally been confirmed for York University RAG's Woodstock event. The band, who have previously appeared as both openers (2000) and headliners (2001) at the event, are expected to appear among the main attractions in the 9pm to 12am slot.

The list of other bands on the bill include good friends and funk-metallers Amalganation and funk-rockers Piglet Clone, who may or may not be featuring young Rodney Plotter on drums.

Additionally, sources at Pillow Talk HQ, Nottingham, have confirmed that plans are underway to dazzle the crowd by featuring SEVEN Pillow Talk members during the set. This may include the use of FOUR drummers/percussionists, which has not been seen at the university since the last time and orchestra played in Central Hall. The full line-up is expected to be......

Brave drummer makes several conflicting revelations in grip of "World Cup fever"

Patriotic Drummer Gideon Retch yesterday announced that he was a "Proud Irishman" after watching a replay of Ireland's exciting world cup group matches on television. The former Welshman surprised onlookers by loudly exclaiming that he was "A Paddy through and through, begorrah! I've been a Mick ever since I was a little leprechaun, bitin' moy ma's ankles."

The racially flexible Irishman sat with a pint of Guinness chewing the fat for a few moments before spinning to wink at a deeply concerned Daniel Cheeseboard and aggressively shout that he was "gay".
After being approached by his welsh parents outside the venue, Retch lowered his Republican sights somewhat. "I'm not Irish, but for all intents and purposes I might as well be. For instance, I'm unmarried..." He coughed "But if I had a wife I'd beat the Michael out of her." Laughing, he addded "And I'm a raging alchoholic."
Pausing to allow the news writer to get powerfully thrashed round the head in full view of the rest of the internet cafe users, Retch imaginarily finshed by clearing the matter up. "I have nothing else to declare but my overpowering sexuality."

I dunno what that was about either.

Party Round And Round Brackets (Party Upside Down)

Party Round And Round (Brackets) Party Upside Down?

A huge rift has developed between child genius Rodney Plotter and his one-time legal guardian James Tall/Harmless over the title of Pillow Talk's future hit single Party Round And Round Brackets (Party Upside Down). The original special edition version of the album 'Painful Love' listed the track with the 'brackets' around the last section of the title but, after heavy involvement in the design department at Pillow Talk mansions, Rodney Plotter has altered the position of the brackets. The pieces of punctuation now reside around the word 'Brackets' on the general release versions of the album, a move which has caused James Tall/Harmless to leave the Midlands and go on a 2 week protest hike across the treacherous terrain of The Pennines.

Speaking from his GCSE examination room, young Rodders explained the reasoning behind the ill-timed grammar U-turn to TalkWeb. "I don't know what all the fuss is about," he whispered "any educated fool can see that the whole idea of the gag is to put brackets round the brackets.". James Tall/Harmless shall release a statement regarding the whole sorry affair when he returns from his jaunt (brackets) undoubtably suffering from a bad case of rambler's spud.

Meanwhile, check out the review of 'Painful Love' from this months edition of here: magazine on the REVIEWS page....here's a taster....

‘Party Round and Round Brackets (Party Upside Down)’ – Best song on Pillow Talk’s new album….and easily the best song written by a York band at the moment. Top Of The Pops beckons if there’s any justice.

Don't forget to get your copy of 'Painful Love from the Merchandise section. You will not be dissapointed!

Latvia win Eurovision despite Pillow Talk's non-involvement

London, 28th May
Pillow Talk today expressed collective delight at the historic Latvian win in the recent Eurovision Song Contest. Speaking for the band, drummer Gideon Retch remarked: "I'm not Latvian. I'm welsh. Despite all that I'm well pleased that my countrymen the Latvians did me proud with their win. I'm so happy I could gash"
Turning the screw, Retch laughed and added "I voted for Malta all the way, but you can't win them all."
Our news editor has just finished a bottle of red wine, cos he's not got work tomorrow, or ever again. How's that eh? How's that? HOW'S THAT??

"LUDICROUS INSANITY"

:here magazine's latest review of the 'Talk

"Anybody in an unsigned band will tell you: performing is a hard task offering distant, unlikely rewards. Being judged a 'funny' comedian, too, depends on the collective point of view of everyone you're standing in front of. Neither discipline is rocket science; they're both more difficult than that. So why some people attempt to combine the two and form a comedy rock band is on one hand a testament to humanity's endeavours in the face of impossible odds and on another a sign of ludicrous insanity."

Followed by the usual...

The 'Talk played a gig in Hull on Tuesday night this week in front of a couple of punk bands, their audience and a few of the extended Cheeseboard crime syndicate.
The set began with a Tall/Harmless rendition of God Save the Queen featuring a new USA Big Muff pedal. The pedal was interesting because it sounded like a dismal swarm of tired wasps, but that's not important - when the money rolls in the band are buying Mesa Boogie's anyway.
In the pub before the gig the band had decided to enter the world of punk by going from the national anthem to a double time punk version of "Come as U R" for 8 bars, followed by a drum stick segue into the usual lounge version. It did the trick, Retch turned out to be a superb punk drummer and the punk fans payed attention for the whole eight bars, before realising that the band were cremating the holy Nirvana song and intended to carry on in that vein for the next half hour...

You know, it was a laugh.

Painful Love Proves Popular on Opening Night

Thanks to everyone who attended the 'Painful Love' album launch party on Friday night. The first batch of special edition copies (provided by Cube Media) have now been sold but don't worry, a second delivery of stock is currently being arranged with Pillow Talk's manufacturing division. However, to ensure you get yourself a copy of the special edition, get your order in quick (see the merchandise page).

Even more thanks go to support bands Ryan Shirlow & The Bloody Mary's, who were very impressive despite them not playing James Tall/Harmless' favourute song S#*t Father, and InDeo, who unfortunately suffered from some technical problems but managed to keep up their trademark energy and enthusiasm.

The day after the gig, drummer Gideon Retch mysteriously vanished after an afternoon in a York pub. "The last thing he said was 'I'm off'" a bleary-eyed Daniel Cheeseboard told TalkWeb, "the next thing I know, there's cops everywhere." Gideon Retch shall shortly be having a Rectal(TM) tracking device fitted so that other members of the band/friends/family can find him when he goes missing.

You heard.

The Talk popped into Cube Media last Friday after supporting the SUPERB Dem Brooklyn Bums at Fibbers in York, to check up on how the multi-pound Painful Love Interactive CD ROM Album was progressing.

Two white coated boffins, Scott and Ed led us into a lead lined laboratory in which they discussed how the work was going in a language made up entirely of numbers and greek letter names.

"Alpha five zero" declared Cheese happily after seeing the Interactive CD ROM for the first time.

On the CD ROM so far will be:
- The Painful Love album in standard playable CD form
- Painful Love live video, filmed at the Junction in York and put together at Cube Media
- Zonkotron karaoke: See Zonkotron dance! Join in as he sings! Feel slightly uncomfortable as you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror!
- Pictures of some of the most distinctive looking men in Britain, with instruments
- Lyrics: Laugh at the grammar! Mock the desperate rhyming!
- Biogs: Learn all the lies about the 'Talk
- Zonkotron's Editorial: Words written by a strangely bitter, made up robot dog
- Other stuff, like graphics and things.

Click HERE to see a screen shot of the menu page (courtesy of Scott at Cube Media).

So you see, it's like a standard CD but better. Why not put an email order in now?

ARE YOU COLD BOY? NEED ANOTHER SHIRT GIRL?

Well, they've done it again. Pillow Talk's merchandising department have come up trumps with a load of T-Shirts, in light blue or black and in sizes which will probably fit you. There's the charming Pillow Talk logo on front and a minimalist rear design which matches the colour of the shirt exactly.
If you want a skinny fit version you can set your washing machine to "Boil" and your tumble drier to "Burn" and off you go. Fully customisable, see? GET ONE NOW by going to the all new Pillow Talk Shop Page. Bon Voyage.

PAINFUL LOVE - Progress

New Album nearly ready

Current progress on the new Pillow Talk CD stands as follows:
Tracks completed and mixed down - Jazz Man (my old man's a), Dr Roland Parker Vs. The Defibrillator, Teach the Kids to Love, Farmyard Girl, Painful Love (Live).
Tracks completed but not mixed down - Painful Love, Party Round and Round, Fly-By 3, Zonkotron's Lament, Justice America (undecided on inclusion), Eurovision, Farmyard Intro.
Tracks requiring more recording work - British.

All in all, it's nearly there. Johnny Greatwood at Cube Media has done a stirling job on the mix down and is currently finishing off the studio version of Painful Love. The artwork is on the way too...

Sounding good so far, in particular the boys choir section of Teach the kids, and the harmonies in that song. Party round and round is honestly the most ridiculous "song" anyone will ever hear, featuring vague scandinavian/south african accent mixtures and a 140bpm syllable packed rap by Cheeseboard.

Drummer Gideon Retch says: "It's no good, I like it."

A piece of audio which will never make its way onto any CD ever is a rant performed by our own editorial writer, Zonkotron the made up robot dog. In a lengthy monologue, Zonko tells the listener what life is like from his point of view. Basically it's linguistically repellant but extremely funny. If you want to hear it, email the band for an MP3.

Get In To Fibbers For Crazy Money

See The 'Talk Support Real American Band For Half Price

Pillow Talk can reveal that after lengthy negotiations with President George.W.Bush, fans will be able to get into Fibbers to see York's tallest easy listening beat combo supporting NYC's"Dem Brooklyn Bums", for 3 British Pounds instead of 6. All you have to do is print off THIS FLYER and bring it along with you to the gig on Thursday April 11th. Feel free to copy and distribute as many as you wish to all your elderly relatives and special friends. (Also on the bill are Leeds band Buzzkill).

"...for goodness sake don't give us any of your wrethched rabbies" demands Crazy Legs in mad anti semitic rant, and other comedy gems courtesy of Pillow Talk fan and footballing former colleague

In recent messages to the 'Talk message board, Mr Richard Crazy Legs has left links to his personal web page, a page with a laissez-faire punctuation policy and a monopoly on being absolutley hilarious.
If I may quote:

"If you want to hear the finest in Eastern pop music ever to come out of York go to www.pillowtalkweb.co.uk they are also a great laugh. If you want to be entertained in any manner give me a e-mail but don't bother if you have any attitude (ugly and fat) or boring. Cheers ON MY STEREO THIS WEEK:- SPECAILS-TOO MUCK TOO YOUNG SFA-RINGS AROUND THE WORLD DAFTPUNK- DISCOVERY PEPE DELUXE-WOMAN IN BLUE PILLOWTALK- PURELY PLATONIC MADNESS-THE RISE AND FALL GORILAZ-GORILLAZ EMF-Unbelievable Mock Turtles-Can you dig it? James Taylor Quartet-Blow up Ian dury-Best Of Smiths-Panic Basement Jaxx-Romeo ASH-free all angels Things i don't like:- Pounces Teddy Sherringham (gone back to spurs to be a loser) Boring people Spurs Man ure Chelsea Lancaster 'French people who chomp onions and go ohing ohing haw and for goodness sake don't give us any of your wrethched rabbies'. Juggling soc at York (full of losers) Women with attitude (ie fat and aggresssive). Star Trek The tory government. Essex girls with dodgy laughs. Having a filthy hangover. monday mornings"

What a legend ladies and gentlemen, the bendy limbed, high kicking ladies man CRAZY LEGS.

"I am a fighting machine. Violence is not in my nature" Confides New/Ex Recruit

Pillow Talk Drummer Gridiron Retch left a cosy bookshop job last week to go and fight the Germans as part of Great Britain's Armed Forces.
The move was prompted by a deep love of his country and also the late disovery of a talent for combat. Speaking to PTWeb, Retch revealed his violent side.
"The Army is about discipline and control. It's also about guns and knocking people about. I feel that a man of my build and constitution, not to mention my rabidly violent mental state, is almost obliged to join up and fight the Hun."

Following his acceptance of the King's Shilling, Retch began wearing a bandana and a floppy leather jacket and holding banners saying "Let's Give Peace a Chance Guys". Questioned about his commitment to the Forces at this stage he answered "Well, war is not the answer. I am a peaceful man and I can see a way for all of us to live together and it doesn't involve weapons."
Pausing to set the barrel on his Heckler and Koch FF32 automatic pistol, Retch added "Just say the word and I'm off. I'm gagging to tear into those krauts. It's kicked off up here and I'm out of my box. Don't try and put me back. Ie, in my box."

Perhaps the army just doesn't sit with the young drummer. Receiving his comeuppance, Retch turned to a friend and whispered
"Violence is out, Love is the key. I'm angry and I'm going to kiss your face in."
This article started well but got ridiculous very quickly.

James Tall/Harmless: News Article Writing is Becoming a Strain.

That's right, the bovine one over there

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