PLUS: Gideon Retch's Affair with The Ebor Sheild - Shocking Revelations

Popluar Christian Band 'InDeo' walked off with the prestigious York University Battle Of The Bands trophy on Saturday night in front of a packed house in Langwith College. The band won the final after a close vote, cast by members of the 'Talk and representatives from :here magazine and The Old Dairy Studios, beating off competition from 23 Beasts, Big Collision, Mr. Tickle and Skank Tank. Pillow Talk members have been entertained by/subjected to nearly 20 bands throught their stint of judging the competition and all were agreed with the final outcome. Speaking from the back seat of his personalised stretched limo, Jonathan Heart-2-Harte told 'Talkweb, "I really didn't like that Christian band, all the others were far better".

Also on saturday, media probes revealed the extent of Gideon Retch's long standing relationship with the Ebor Cars Shield (the trophy presented to the BoB winners). The trophy first came into the Pillow Talk family in 1999 when Jonathan Heart-2-Harte scooped first prize with 'Dromedary' using the pseudonym 'Chris'. Cheeseboard, Retch and Beard then won the prestigious award with death-metallers 'Beyond Redemption' which marked the start of the Gideon Retch scandal.

"I used to sneak downstairs, take the shield off the mantle piece, and whisk it off to my bed" confessed Retch, "I became dependant on its friendly shape and shiny writing". The following year Pillow Talk scooped the prize after Retch rigged the competition in order to keep his sordid affair on the go.

Retch then attempted to enter the competition for the 6th year in a row in 2002, but his entry form was deemed invalid due to a strange 'glue-like' substance which covered the pages. The final chapter of events was revealed on Saturday evening when a 'Talk insider admitted to taking of photograph Retch which "involed the shield, a pair of cotton socks and a large grin". The insider only came forward after worrying for the health of some members of Indeo, when he witnessed them kissing certain sections of the shield after the elation of their win.

Band awarded super low mark in Hull Band Contest

Alright, Pillow Talk aren't officially a Hull band, mentioning that your Keyboard player went to a fee paying Hull School and taking the mickey out of Hull women from the stage is a recipe for Battle of the Michael Bands Disaster. And how so!
Pillow Talk were reminded of their miserable lack of merit after their well received performance picked up a record low points score. Explaining the system, schoolboy whizzkid Rodney Plotter told PTWeb:

"The 'Talk were awarded 80 points. Speaking diplomatically, a band I can only describe using swear words got 180 points, and the winners got 1239 points. This means that Pillow Talk are easily as bad if not much much worse than all the pile of **** bands that they've been feeling embarrassed for for all these years. This is something of a watershed"
Rodney then wet himself.

On the bright side, some women approached the band afterwards to commiserate and buy CDs. Whilst signing a CD (that's right, signing a CD) James Tall Harmless was told by a girl that he "shouldn't give up because of this", advice which let's face it, he'll probably heed.

Pillow Talk To Record NEW ALBUM

'Painful Love' to be completed for release in May.

This March and April, Pillow Talk shall once again drag Gideon Retch down to the Old Dairy Studios in York (soon to be Cube Media) to record their 2nd full length concept album 'Painful Love EP'.

The 'Talk will again be utilising the skills of studio and live engineer Jimmy Greenwood. Speaking from a smoky corner at the back of the Tang Hall Working Men's Club in York, Greenwood told PTWeb, "I ain't doin' this s*#te job out the goodness of me 'eart yer bunch o' b$*#!#s!". After retracting the blade on his swiss army knife, he added "Of course, I'd be delighted to work with such a fine group of nice young men once again".

The track listing for the album is still to be confirmed, but expect to see long time live favourites, "Painful Love", "Dr Roland Parker vs. The Defibrillator", "Jazz Man (My Old Man's a)" and, of course, the controversial Eurovision entry "Teach The Kids To Love". In addition, plans are afoot for the return of guest artists such as Richmond Baxter, the girls from Heroic Trio, but probably not The Green Goblin, who is currently working as an Anne Robinson impersonator in the far east.

So keep a spare slot in your CD racks and keep checking for updates!

Thank you for the beers shame about the music

I'm joking, I'm joking for goodness sake.
Tuesdays bands were all of a high standard and any one of them would have walked through Mondays heat. Even so, after 4 bands I'd got some idea of who I thought should go through, then Noizeating came on and confused everybody. Band by band here are my thoughts:

First Circle first up and sounding like a tight outfit, really liked the SG guitar sound. Someone said their second song was the song of the night, didn't stick in my mind. Would have gone through second on Monday.

23 Beasts came on with that nice young Matt Hobby on vocals and guitar. A lot of people were sort of hoping he'd be crap but in fact, hearing his growly voice for the first time was a ferrrrking revelaaation. Didn't like the job he did on the Chilli Peppers as much as I did the rest of the set. The band were confident and able too, I preferred them to 1st Circle, dunno what the other chaps thought.

Here's where I probably disagree with the rest of PT, you'll have to ask them. As someone who frequently deletes songs to prevent the possibility of anyone other than myself actually hearing them, I have some respect for people who leave themselves and their music open to ridicule by actually believing in what they've written and taking it seriously. Ryan Shirlow may have actually found a format where he and his audience can get on at last, he and his band actually appeared to be enjoying themselves last night. The acoustic arrangements need a bit of work perhaps- it sounded a bit like a jam at times and the long haired roadie dude at the end was surplous to requirements. Just my thoughts, like.

Size of Ivan: Tight band, confident, good voice, good look, great drummer, big tall blonde geek, Eric Stumpy Joe Pepys - the peeper, died in a bizarre gardening accident etc...

Noizeating came on and half the audience left, leaving the remainder kind of mesmerized. Ned (drummer) managed to remember all the changes in a set which prompted the bloke from JSS to say "this is frightening - Carol Vorderman is back stage picking time signatures, one from the top please, two from the bottom...". Heroic Trio are a prog band now so Prog is "in" or something. Whatever, the judges all had these down as clear winners.

In summary, Monday's highlight apart from Flight 19 was the beer lady, and I wasn't even drinking, good job the music improved tonight but it's a shame that 3 good bands will not be appearing in the final/semis.

Judges? You must be joking

Pillow Talk superstars James Tall/Harmless, Gideon Retch, Daniel Cheeseboard and Jonathan Harte-2-Harte are to judge this years York University Battle Of The Bands competition. After scooping the trophy for the last three years on the trot, they were selected to decide who's hot and who's, frankly, not, at this years competition.

Speaking from the special judges booth, Giddy-On Retch told PTWeb "Get that lovely young lady to fetch me another pint of bitter". After pausing to adjust his judging throne he added, "Cheers!"
Pillow Talk are looking forward to seeing some class acts. For all discussion (often heated), go to the BoB webpage (designed by none other than Pillow Talk lighting monkey....Ron Torrents.

Popular web search entry finds way onto Pillowtalk Pages

Who's have thought that Pillow Talk Web would be the best site for HOT BRITNEY PICTURES on the internet? Who could have guessed indeed that Craig David Naked Photos would crop up here of all places? Absolutely no one of course, and they (?) would be right.

Recently, PTAdmin checked the most common search string used by web surfers who arrive at PillowTalkWeb. Most of them used google, no surprise there. What may surprise you though is that the people who used google typed in the words "Craig David's favourite foods" to get here, which we found shocking until, following the link ourselves, we noticed some reference to Craig Dave, Gideon Retch and Eating Beef in the same news page.
Who then can blame us for peppering the site from now on with irrelevant references to free Britney Pics XXX hot hot hot?
We'll wait a couple of weeks for the search engines to update and let you know how the hit counter looks...

Well, that seemed to go quite well!!

The long awaited gig of the new millenium took place on saturday (12th Jan) at Fibbers in York and it didn't dissapoint the crowds who flocked to see it. 'Pillow Talk & Friends' was originally conceived when the then 14 year old Rodney Plotter interrupted a Pillow Talk Board meeting to suggest that he had the ability to play the drums for four bands in one night. Brushing the young tyke aside, Daniel Cheeseboard piped up "I know, why don't we put on a four band night with young Rodney drumming for all the bands!". Everyone agreed (apart from Gideon) and 'Pillow Talk & Friends' was born.

First on the bill were funk-metal psychopaths Amalganation. Despite the early start, the punters were already necking back the sauce when Bulgaria's only trans-sexual 8-string bass player Evgeni Vatchkov took to the stage in just his/her undies (photos to follow). Despite complaining of a lack of practice due to exams (yeah, right - ed) Amalganation stormed through their complex set, the highlights being Evgeni reading a copy of The Daily Telegraph whilst playing the bass and that heavy bit in the middle of Carousel which I particularly enjoy.

Amalganation: Mine's A Lager Top

"Thev got Girls in 'em, aa think ther a load o sh**te......it's 'Eroic Treeo" shouted drunken compere, Richmond Baxter as hotly-tipped vegetarian's 'Heroic Trio' took to the stage. The crowd surged forward as they cracked off into 'Circle', the opening track from their 'Drive-by' EP. It was 'new-song evening' ( sigh - ed) for them as they debuted 'Dead Or Alive' and 'Sugarbeet', which both went down well (the latter even causing the talkers at the back to pipe-down during the delightful harmonised finale).

Third on were PT favouties 'Western Sci-Fi' with their epic 35 minute non-stop set (soon to be released on CD). The bass player and drummer strike an astounding resemblance to Pillow Talk regulars Rodney Plotter and Dr Roland Parker, which is a remarkable coincidence. Lead singer, Russell, had all the girls talking about him during and after the gig, some of which may or may not have been picked up on the mic at the back of the room. Overall, the usual Sci-Fi quality shone through and this was well appreciated by the huge crowd of parents at the front.

Last up were, yes, you've guessed it, Pillow Talk with the wind up their trousers from the amount of quality that had preceeded them. They debuted the *all new*, soon-to-be classic Jazz Man (My Old Man's A) and also called upon the service of Dr Roland Parker to rock out on stage to his own theme tune despite being slightly under the weather. Jonathan Harte-2-Harte had the usual gaggle of young women flocking round him at the end of the gig and everyone left with a smile on their face. Thanks to all who attended. Photos and maybe sounds from the event will be up on PillowTalkWeb very soon, so keep checkin' up.

Picture coming soon

Christian Smooth: "Stjarnan dom Can Enda Vara I narheten Hornen"

Fame may not be all that far away for some Pillow Talk members after some recent events. New 'Talk recruit, Dr Roland Parker, today announced his forthcoming debut on British terrestrial television. The Doctor shall appear, with his stunning wife, on hit BBC daytime comedy show 'Bargain Hunt' alongside self-confessed Pillow Talk addict Dickie Davidson (below).

D.D Lovin' It, Lovin' It, Lovin' It

After a marathon filming session, Dickie asked for a copy of Richmond Baxter's signature, before commenting, "Parker really is a walking human power station, where's my fags".

In other events, Daniel Cheeseboard and Christian Smooth revealed that their side project album Paprika Gentlemen has won over the critics at Sound On Sound magazine who described the smoothcheeseboard album as 'a mouthful' in the July 2001 review.

smoothcheeseboard: 'This album was about bullying tall people' D.C

Slight grammatical mix up sends drummer to "wrong type of film"

Gideon Retch: Shafted again

Stage Show To Escalate Following Guitar 'Acrobatics'

Monday 10th December saw the launch of the 'Talk's new hit Dr Roland Parker versus The Defibrillator , accompanied by the first appearence on a stage in the UK by the good doctor, who is, in fact, a real doctor. The latest in the line of soon-to-be timeless classics, is set to join 'Painful Love', 'Teach the Kids to Love' and 'Jazz Man (my old man's a)' on the brand new Pillow Talk recording. which is due for release in the new year.

Defribrillator: Friend or Foe?

Commenting after the show, Dr Roland Parker could not hold back his delight at taking the stage with his childhood hero James Tall/Harmless. "James was like a musical father to me", he told PillowTalkWeb, "when I was a kid, he'd come by my house and play the oboe. I never even knew they came in that shade of pink until I met James".

Look out for Dr Roland Parker at forthcoming shows on non-ER nights

A former 'Talk skin care expert was quickly forgotten yesterday following the gifts of cake and pizza from bass stand-in Dr Roland Parker. Tucking into a Sarah Lee chocolate gateau, Gideon Rich spluttered "This guy is good. He's second to none, in life and on bass. He's better than the guy we had before who's name escapes me."
Rocking with nausea, Retch added "Of course, no one can replace Heart to Whotsisname, who never brought cake to any rehearsals as I recall. Good riddance, perhaps?"
H2H will be back in the new year...

The 'Talk open for Amalganation tonight at Fibbers in York, showing off a new tune "Doctor Roland Parker Vs The Defibrillator". Very rock opera, it features Parker and Jirgens doing acrobatics with guitars, sort of.

...SPECIAL REPORT... ...SPECIAL REPORT... ...SPECIAL REPORT...

"This damn internet is awash with pornograhy"

I'm no shrinking violet, I'm a red blooded American Man. I'm Richmond Baxter for goodness sakes. But when PTWeb asked me to look into the "hidden" side of the wonderful tool we call the "Internet" I went about my task with some trepidation. This "World Wide Web" has something of a reputation for harbouring some pretty weird peoples and sure enough, my fear turned out to be not without very real grounds.

"Heck the devil and holy smokes! Blind the cat won't you look at that!" I yelled to my wife from my position at the PC, just 12 seconds after flogging on to begin my investigating. I'd gone to a search engine and typed in "{words cut for taste and decency - ed}" and sure enough, "{words cut for taste and decency - ed}" is what I got. Not only that, but I got "{words cut for taste and decency - ed}" , "{words cut for taste and decency - ed}" , "{words cut for taste and decency - ed}" , and even a "{words cut for taste and decency - ed}" within 6 clicks of the mouse. Truly, I concluded, this "Internet" really is awash with pornography.

Richmond Baxter is made up.
Article shortened due to lack of good ideas.

Retch: "I've been Shafted"

Gideon Retch yesterday announced that he felt he had been "Shafted" after watching a new gameshow on the ITV a few nights before. Speaking from his pole, 200 feet above Trebshaw on the North York Moors, Retch shouted "I saw this program, with Kilroy silk. Let's just it was Kilroy Silk who gave me a shafting on this one." Pausing to balance, Retch added "This gameshow let me down. It shafted me if you like." The question of whether this news article has been written purely to make use of the newly legitimised slightly rude word "Shafted" is up for debate. The penultimate and final words on the subject should perhaps go to Gideon Retch. "Definitely yes." and "Definitely not." Gideon Retch is going on holiday (again).

Cheeseboard sacked from Easy Listening Band

Pillow Talk were coming to terms yesterday with the concept of the band continuing despite the inevitable sacking of ivory-botherer Daniel Cheeseboard. The sacking came following a meeting with James Tall Harmless on Tuesday night, during which a few home truths were explained on the way home from a hugely insignificant football match which the guitarist was kind enough to drive the keyboard player to. Having begged for his job in the band, Cheeseboard was said to be "disappointed, but not surprised" at the decision to oust him. Speaking perhaps for the last time, 'Board told PTWeb:
"I'm not surprised they sacked me, though I am disappointed. We had some good times but I recognise that the band would not have been able to go forward had I stayed. I had to go.".

Pillow Talk are now holding auditions for a replacement. Interested parties should be able to plink plonk on a keyboard. An interest in 3rd division football may count against applicants from the north of England.
Don't miss this excellent opportunity. Apply today! Good Luck!

One HULL of a Beating!!!

"No Comment" - James Tall/Harmless

Daniel Cheeseboard was today threatened with hooliganism from an unnamed Luton Town football supporter (pictured). The threats follow the 1-0 drubbing handed out by Cheeseboard's home-town football team Hull 'The Tigers' City to Luton-based club, Luton Town on Tuesday evening.

Speaking from his Luton penthouse, Tall/Harmless refused to comment when asked about allegations that he was about to switch his football allegiance to the soon to be 'Table-Topping-Tigers'. Counter story will undoubtably follow.

Pillow Talk Secure Management Deal With 'Foreigner'

"These boys will go all the way with me" - Randy LeBon - Pillow Talk fan, head of Le Bon Enterprises and one-time international playboy

After several months of heated discussion between highly payed Pillow Talk lawyers and Le Bon Enterprises boss Randy Le Bon, a deal was secured for probable international pop sensations Pillow Talk to become the latest, and only, artist on the management firms books.

Speaking from his Paris home, Randy Le Bon dubiously commented "It's taken me six years to get behind their *sses, I hope it's gonna be worth it".

Also on board the Pillow Talk boat steps technical director Derek Catfish. Derek can be often spotted eating fry-ups at his home in York. A good friend of Pillow Talk G-string wobbler Jonathan Heart-2-Harte, Catfish added, "I''m a good friend of Jonathan Heart-2-Harte".

Early plans by the new management appear to revolve around the concept of 'Christmas' and 'Parties', two ideas that have never previously been linked.

The best text message ever received

Work stops for at least 4 hours of hard laughter

Continuing our campaign to bring you the very best of everything in the world, PTWeb are proud to present a text message received from a friend in reply to the message "ITS A FKN ABBRVIATN".

The message was followed by a no doubt boss-induced "No more msgs til 5pm pls", which was replied to (of course) with "OK".