Wandering between pubs last Saturday I was accosted as usual by a young man who was clearly
troubled. He asked me "Mr Zonkotron, what do you think of all the radio show presenters,
magazine article writers and trendy novelists who seek to sympathise with their public by
ranting about how the nine to five modern suburban lifestyle is such a struggle?"
I replied "Are we to include those aforementioned types who intend to show how modern and
trendy they are by seeking to open the eyes of suburnites whom they presume to be ignorant of the problems inherent in suburbanism, like that bloke Irvine Welsh and all his imitators?"
"I suppose so, yes"
"I think they are idiots. Here is why." I went on to explain my position, which I will
outline here.
Turn on the radio at five pm and listen to any "Drive Time" style talk show. At some point the presenter will make some world weary observation about the weight of traffic, the scene awaiting the worker on his return home or a moan about the Daily Plod. Take no notice. Similarly, if a T.V. presenter makes the same observations turn the telly off. Stop reading any books which contain sentences like "These f***ers deserve to live forever. The sleepwalking suburban slave classes in their Wimpey mock-tudor penal colonies... I am a soon to be dead author jumping on a cliched bandwagon who sells books by snidely stating the obvious despite being in no position to understand the real situation of the people I'm attacking". Half of that sentence was written by a man the Observer said was "Britain's Finest Satirist". The other half was written by Britain's Finest Satirist. It boils down to this: Saying that modern life is dull is like saying that being a tramp is hard, or that Camilla P. Bowles looks like a tired horses arse. How clever! You have opened a million eyes!
The reason we ignore media types who either sympathise with or attack those of us with an average job and an average home and all the rest, is because these people are insincere. They have jobs most of us would kill for, they may be talented in their field but their field is usually infinitely more glamorous than the average man's. Their jobs are not dreary and infinte. You can't take real comfort from the sympathetic ramblings of someone who obviously has no idea what they are really talking about. This is why I have become a beacon in the modern gloom, a character who lives the life and can actually offer a believable sympathetic voice.
That's right, Zonkotron has taken a job. It involves driving twice round the M25 in the rush hour before arriving at a non air conditioned office block and listening to a days worth of management pep talks before rushing back to my car, which is ritually clamped every day then unclamped at great expense to get me back to my red brick 2 up semi with a screaming wife and permanently vomiting kids. I am for real, then.
So my message? Ignore the pundits and clever authors, mow your lawn every saturday, get pissed Friday nights and sleep in front of the telly on Sundays. Save up for a moderately sporty coupe, eat at Harvesters and quietly work your way up to middle management. Why not? Why not for goodness sake? Do what you want, if it pisses off trendies in ivory towers; all the better.